SophFrosh SING! is… Good? What?!

Okay, okay, hear me out—I know that many readers may have already gone into a fit of passionate rage after taking nay but an errant glance at the title of this article, but for those who have not yet leapt out the window, hear my words! The degenerate losers known to many as “sophomores” and their little orphan hatchling “freshmen” somehow managed, against the will of nature itself, to throw together a decently adequate performance. Did that sentence give you a stroke? Don’t worry, you’re not alone—the SophFrosh SING! Thursday show caused an immediate commotion amongst the eight audience members who had not yet left after Senior SING!. One disgruntled junior, after doing five laps around the theater in a bout of confusion, blurted, “I DIDN’T want to commit a murder-suicide after watching this? How? Why is this NOT terrible?”

After being asked if he had any flaws to point out, a furious senior remarked: “Do I have any criticisms? Like, the set was super bland and the plot ran a bit thin at the end, but that’s LEAGUES BETTER THAN NORMAL!”

The question I’m sure many are asking is: how the heck were these tiny a** people able to staple together a show that didn’t make anyone bleed internally? Fear not, for your question shall be answered! A lone Spectator reporter braved the depraved depths of the Sophomore Bar (wearing full hazmat gear) to talk to one of the show’s cast directors, Brandon Phillips. The sophomore explained that Ms. Maggio, a faculty advisor of the production, had “fashioned a medieval-style torture device to assure that no underclassmen stepped out of line.”

The freshman beside him added that “no performance-enhancing drugs were used in the making of our show.” She then got up and did a triple-cartwheel into the East stairwell.