Sorry, I’m an Elaborate Romantic

PROM.

I know all about the embarrassing teen fantasies that stem from this one little word.

I’ve seen your lonesome stares every time there is a new promposal in the Senior Atrium. I know the feeling of despair in your heart when you scroll through your crush’s Instagram stories, seeing them having fun without you, their soulmate. I even know about the diary you keep in your Notes app, solemnly wishing that one day, they will look at you when you’re feeling down and tell you how beautiful you are when you cry, and that everything will be okay—

See, it’s quite obvious how down bad you are to go PROM with them. SO WHY ARE YOU WAITING? Remember that “taken” is just a word (just because there’s a goalkeeper doesn’t mean you can’t score…)! You just need an incredibly romantic, jaw-dropping, lip-biting confession for the whole school to see. Spec Humor has got you covered. Behold some options that are guaranteed to impress your future partner and bring your dream PROM to life.    

1. Everyone loves pets, and fortunately for us we have an endless supply of fish right in the Hudson River! Bring in some diving gear and dive to the bottom of the Hudson, catch some fish with a net, walk into the Senior Atrium soaking wet, and dump your net on the floor. If done correctly, your crush will be ecstatic at the puddle you just made, and the audience will be awestruck at how…far you are willing to go for that special person.
2. We have all had those desperate moments five minutes before first period when we just need to get that one assignment printed, but we can’t thanks to the truly advanced technologies that are the printing stations. As the fear of getting yelled at by their teacher for being late to class starts to overwhelm your crush, you could be the hero to save the day by simply creating an entire printer setup in your locker. Just get a few drills and handsaws to tap into the school’s electricity supply (setting off the fire alarms, but oh well, the computer science kids need to go outside anyway), brute-force your printer sideways into the locker, and boom! Your crush will marvel at your creative thinking to solve all of their problems.
3. If a more interactive, energetic experience is your thing, it is always socially acceptable to invite your crush to a room with every person that they have ever liked before. Then, go down the list and point out to your crush why you are better for them than everyone else could possibly be. If things get a little physical, don’t worry. By whipping out those punches and kicks, you are actually showing your crush how capable you are of defending them. They will be extremely appalled at your fighting ability and will feel safe with you everywhere you go~
4. And of course, if all the above options fail, you can always resort to bribery. Remember the first day you met them and they said their favorite boba order is “Kung Fu Tea Classic 30 Percent Sugar No Ice?” First, go to the dollar store and buy 15 extra large barrels, before proceeding to break into (is it really a crime if it’s for love~) every Kung Fu Tea in the city. When they are least expecting it, stack the barrels in the hallway next to their locker and write their name on the barrels in large, bold writing. Also, remember to put your name, too, so the whole floor will know how good of a potential partner you are (just gathering options, you know).

I hope these foolproof ideas help you to entice the object of your affections. And for those who doubt our abilities, remember to pull up to Rockefeller Park on June 32 at exactly 6:15 p.m., when we will do a live demonstration on how it is done. ;) Good luck!