Spray the Freshmen Away

The exterminator’s truck halted to a stop in the Stuyvesant High School garage, where Principal Yu stood waiting for him. They shook hands and the exterminator asked, “So, where’s the infestation?”

Principal Yu shuddered at the mere mention of it. “It’s right this way. It’s always been a problem, but this year… it’s just so much worse. I had to do something about it.”

He guided the exterminator to a door, and, with a deep breath, swung it open.

The door led to a hallway lit with flickering fluorescent panels. It was filled with teenagers walking and Naruto-running to class, arms filled with coffee and books. He heard snippets of conversation as students drifted past, talking about APs, annoying teachers, and Among Us. But the exterminator couldn't see a pest in sight. No rats or cockroaches—not even an ant. 

The exterminator turned to Principal Yu, confused. “I don’t see any pests here. Do you want me to check, like, the cafeteria or the Senior Bar or something?”

“The cafeteria!” Principal Yu scoffed. “There’s nothing wrong with that. A little E.coli never hurt anyone.” He gestured to the sea of children. “Do you really not see the problem? It’s the freshmen! They’re intolerable this year. Do you hear them talking about Among Us? In the year 2023? That’s such a dead meme. And Naruto-running! The physics department already proved six years ago that it doesn’t help with speed. They’re simultaneously horribly inefficient and cringy! They’re getting on my last nerve, and I want to get rid of them.”

The exterminator hesitated. “Dude, I like, get rid of cockroaches and stuff. Not fully-formed people. That’s probably illegal or something.” 

“I’ll pay you double!” Principal Yu exclaimed, his desperation evident. “Pleaseeeeee, just find a way to get rid of them. They’re so annoying!”

Double his hourly rate? That sounded pretty good. The exterminator thought about how many bags of Hot Cheetos he could buy with that money. Or even pay his rent that month! Maybe getting rid of the children wasn’t such a bad idea!

The exterminator plowed ahead, spraying students with vigor, motivated by the almost impossible prospect of finally making more than the minimum monthly payment on his student loans. Finishing off the hoards of children didn’t even require that much labor; once he had cleared the first floor, word spread to the rest of the school about the toxin-spraying maniac and it was evacuated in record time. 

In the end, the school was declared a Superfund site out of fear of pesticide poisoning. Principal Yu got to see his school and his life cleared of students for a while, and the exterminator was able to avoid eviction that month.