Student Union Rumored to be Dead, Brain Dead, or Just Fine

Good morning, Stuyvesant students. It’s me, your official Stuyvesant Humor correspondent for the assorted affairs of the Student Union (SU).

The SU is known for its elitism, corrupt policy, and position as definitely the lamest union to be a part of in general (Happy May Day). While teachers’ unions provide dental care, the closest thing that students get to health insurance is the time I fell asleep in the Hudson and had such a good nap that some random guy decided to practice his CPR skills. But you might have realized that we have not seen any of the members of the SU face-to-face in an entire month.

Disappearances by the leaders of the SU are not uncommon. But usually, these disappearances correspond with different parts of the year: a two-month-long absence from the public eye in the summertime and two weeks at the end of December. These breaks are called “summer break” and “winter break” by observers. This absence is remarkable because while it overlaps with the usual week-long spring absence, it is much longer than usual for the SU. Because of this, there have been rumors flying around that the leaders of the SU have all collectively suffered a fatal accident and died, and this was covered up in order to prevent unnecessary panic.

There have been many conflicting reports about the status of the SU leaders. An unpublished submission found in the archives of the Stuyvesant Confessions page reported that the SU members all died in a freak yacht accident and claimed that the accident was the real reason behind the cancellation of JProm. A high-ranking SU official’s teacher said that in light of the student’s recent test scores, they were probably brain-dead. A&E editor Morris Raskin then contacted me with an email saying, “What are you doing? They’re not dead; you’re just not at school. Are you okay?” However, I cannot confirm the validity of the email, as Raskin’s status as a living being is also in question. In fact, everyone outside my field of view, for all intents and purposes, is ambiguously alive.

Ultimately, it fell to me to investigate the truth. I had to see if I could communicate with the leaders of the SU through official and approved ways of access. To test this, I sent Vishwaa Sofat a pretty good meme on Messenger. I didn’t get any response, so either he is physically dead or just too emotionally dead to respond with a haha reacc.

So, the leaders of the SU are either dead or they are not. It is one of the two. Now, give me my paycheck.