Stupid Trend Ruins Hallway Floors

Stuyvesant High School is the academic hub of Downtown Manhattan, home to brilliant mathematicians, incisive chemists, and now the most idiotic of trends, “Heelying.” Heelys began in the early 2000s as a working man’s sneaker or the “utilitarian’s delight” (a term popular in Gen Z vernacular). A wheel locked into the heel of each Heely allows the wearer to navigate difficult terrain at a pace that would make Oscar Pistorius murder himself.

Nearly 20 years after the birth of the Heely, or 19 HE (Heely Era), a shift in priorities by the student body of Stuyvesant has successfully transformed Heelying into an intellectual’s sport. Those who attend Stuyvesant frequently “go to the races,” paying a buy-in price of $12 to join an elite betting ring. Whoever wishes to compete either brings their own Heelys or rents a pair from the Stuyvesant Heelying League (or the SHL) at a whopping $24 per hour.

“Races are almost always caught because we hold them in the same location at the same time every week,” an anonymous sophomore remarked. “We switch anonymous Discord servers virtually every 48 hours due to the IP tracing [the] administration conducts. Anyone located and taken into questioning [by the administration] keeps their mouth shut for 24 hours for any information they have to be rendered useless.”

But the consequences of only two months of the Stuyvesant Heelython have been far-reaching. Custodial staff have voiced their concerns to Department of Education supervisors, requesting more perquisites for a continuation of service. Astonishingly powerful student Vishwaa Sofat told the press after a recent Student Leadership Team meeting that “The friction between the Heely wheels and tiles forms scuffs in the floor that are painfully hard to rub out. [...] Two months ago, the floors of this school were vibrant, full of cyan, maroon, lavender, and burgundy. Now, I’m colorblind.”

Aside from hallway floors and Mr. Wisotsky’s trousers, Heelys have also put a stain on the organized crime scene at Stuyvesant. Members of the Stuyvesant Theater Community were apprehended, after a three-week witch hunt, for their Junior Caucus Pi Day Bake Sale ambush. The group worked in conjunction with the robotics team to attach razors and motors to the Heely wheels. Eyewitness testimonies say the menaces rolled in chanting a selection of existential-nihilistic lines from Arthur Miller, used their makeshift Heely-razor-drills to violate every pie, and then stole all the forks “for the Props Closet.” The Theater Community is far from finished with tormenting Stuyvesant. A note was found in Ms. Pedrick’s office suggesting the planning of a drive-by through the English department block, starting with the Writing Center, going through the library, circling around, and ending at 615E. The Theater Community is just one of the many tragic cases of a once-respectable organization at Stuyvesant being corrupted by the Dionysian temptations of Heelys.

The authorities at Stuyvesant have reached an impasse. The two options they are left with are replacing all the floor tiles and adding speed bumps in an operation that would close school for two years and cost over $120,000 or letting the races go on. In a secret press conference, supervisors reveal that they plan to execute the latter option, as well as rename the school “ThunderDome Arena.”