Stuy Students Collectively Forget School Is Not Over

After Regents week ended, a scream came from within Stuyvesant. For once, it wasn’t the scream of tormented souls. It was the scream of kids excited for summer break to start—finally! “I have so much planned for vacation! First, I’m gonna sleep. Then, I’m gonna eat. Then, I’m gonna sleep again! If I have time, I might have an existential crisis about if I am even going to get anywhere in life. Then I’ll be back to this self-inflicted hell. How old do you have to be to drop out?” said junior Ree L. Axe, before she passed out on the floor of the Whole Foods Café with the rest of her mentally-messed-up peers who were hanging out there after finals.

But unfortunately, tragedy was about to unfold. For you see, Axe, like many other students who felt the depressive vibes of the school being lifted off of them, had forgotten that she still had to go to school the following week. In fact, Axe, like many other upperclassmen, was found on Tuesday morning to be on elaborate, fun vacations in places far, far away from the gates of eternal doom known as Stuyvesant. The second-term seniors especially were reported to have gone on a gap year and haven’t been seen by anyone in weeks. All of them were totally unaware that school did not end in January.

Admittedly, there were a lot of days with no school and a lot of finals. No wonder that when the students were supposed to return to have their souls sucked out, the only person who showed up was freshman Patty Asheck. And even then, he too thought it was summer break: “Wait, we have school? I’m only here because I want the math department to be exterminated from existence. The geometry final was unfair! We never learned what a circle was!” Asheck then began waving his homemade sign reading “MATHSMATICS SUX” outside the school, which he had been doing ever since he walked out of his final.

To add to the confusion, all the English teachers also decided not to come that week either. When we looked into this, we found out that they were ditching class as they usually did when break approached. We have not been able to establish whether they thought it was summer break or they just could not take any more of what the students said and ate during class, which included but was not limited to, organic bleach, a truck full of bubble tea, an entire halal cart, and something grabbed from the bottom of the Hudson. Sources strongly point to both, as there were multiple coconut drinks found on the floors of the English classrooms filled with [TOTALLY LEGAL DRINKS] so students could get through the day.

So, the school has decided to create a mass campaign on Facebook in order to get people to realize that yes, they actually did have to go to school for four more months. This mass campaign included a video of Asheck standing on the bridge crying about his grade, with a caption saying, “This is us. Please come back. Please. We miss you.” The video has been given 69,420 sad reaccs and heart-wrenching comments saying things like “ultimate Big MoodTM.”

They also forced all clubs to send out e-mails informing people that they needed to go to school. Also, the administration has decided to give a 100 average to any person who decides to come to school. As of publication, these tactics have worked on five percent of the school (mostly freshmen), but none of them have yet to attend an actual class. When asked about this, they pointed out, “Look, they never said we had to go to class. Just that we had to be in the building.”