Stuyvesant Capital Program, 2019-2029

Hello, Spectator readers! We of the Humor department have some wonderful news. Through our advanced eavesdropping tactics such as holding a glass against the Student Union door and listening on the other end, we’ve managed to get information that even the News department couldn’t obtain: a concrete list of the planned renovations coming to Stuyvesant in the next 10 years! What is attached below is copied directly from a handout that we obtained by shouting “THEY LET SPIDERMAN BACK IN THE M.C.U.” and using the ensuing confusion to steal a copy.

Stuyvesant Capital Plan, 2019-2029

Current Debt: $50,000 (due to another robotics lab renovation)

How To Obtain Funding:

Start selling coffee in Stuyvesant for $10 directly after the swipe machines, and offer extra espresso shots for $5 apiece. Expected to earn ~$100,000 per day, $80,000 of which will come from the junior and first-term senior student body.

Stop providing the Humor department with bribe money. Seriously, they’ve burned up $100,000 of our budget by now, but it was worth it to get “The Five Dollar Album,” a fantastic work of art that can be found on SoundCloud at https://soundcloud.com/humor-102597642/?. Expected to earn $10,000 per published issue of The Spectator.

Bring back K.F.T. Though, at first, it’ll cost at least $50,000,000 for that piece of Tribeca real estate, the profits will be “yuge.” The freshmen haven’t even been indoctrinated yet and probably don’t know what K.F.T. stands for (since the non-Stuy ones are but phony replicas!). Honestly, the profit from this will be infinite.

Initiatives:

1. Robotics Lab Renovation, Again, Because They’re Soooooooo Special and Wonderful

Everyone knows about how we’re upgrading the robotics lab right now. What they don’t know is that the next stage of the plan is to demolish all classrooms on the third floor located beneath the robotics lab and build a second wing of the lab, devoted entirely to programming, because the poor robotics children no longer have a space to do their software engineering in. After all, the original room they were working in was completely demolished by an unfortunate robotics lab renovation, when the engineering lab next door was extended into their area. What a hardship for these bright-minded students. The new wing will have its own staircase and elevator just for getting to the fourth-floor section of the robotics lab, and all of the best computers in the school will immediately be relocated to this area.

2. Printing For Everyone

The current emergency print station situation is intolerable. And while the News department made it public that we intend to put a second station on the seventh floor, we’re actually expanding this project to have a print station on every floor. Paper costs and redundancies be damned, we’ve got to ensure that there’s never any line for printing. So, we’ve decided to demolish the current teacher offices on each floor and replace them with printing lounges where students can go to print their giant projects. Each printing lounge will feature seven computers (two running Windows 10, two running MacOS, two running Linux, and one on Windows 95 because the first initiative used up all of our good computers), comfortable couches, and more overpriced vending machines. We’ll also be building an elevator shaft just for this area, along with a *fancy* spiral escalator! As for the teachers, they’ll be handled in the next step.

3. Floor Expansion and Staircase Improvements

Look, hasn’t it ever ticked you off that the floors get smaller the further up you go in Stuyvesant? Like, if they’d built them all in the same size as the first floor, we’d have enough room to build literally anything. So let’s do that. First, all staircases will be extended to the 10th floor (including the gym staircase, the most lonely and unused staircase at Stuyvesant), which will allow students to spend even more time sweating and grumbling in incredibly packed staircases. Once the actual expansion is done, however, we’ll be building the new teacher offices in the extra floor space. However, that still leaves a lot of room, so we’ll be putting in several new spaces. These include:

A lake on floors six to seven, with a simulated current and several different biome spaces. This is primarily for the biology department and the Stuy Coral Reef club but also for the stuy.edu homepage, since the photo of the pool isn’t clouty enough.

A second auditorium on the eighth floor exclusively for those sexy new chorus risers. Can you believe it? There’s no giant, inexplicable bulge on the second level of steps, and the back rail won’t fall out when you fall asleep on top of it! Whether it can house the 150+ members of the Women’s Choir all at once remains to be seen.

Another extension of the robotics lab on the fifth floor, because now the marketing department feels left out! How will they write their awards essays without an entire new lab? Woe is them, their old space was demolished by a robotics lab renovation.

4. Escalator Replacement

Look, the escalator system has gotten really bad, so we thought up a solution. All of the down escalators will be torn out and replaced with slides. Students will place their backpacks in a slide off to the side (think Costco shopping cart escalators) and then go down the main one. Instead of spending ~20 seconds to go down the escalators, it’ll only take two seconds! The up escalators will be replaced by rope ladders, which will enable Stuy students to build upper body strength as they wrestle with a 20-pound backpack, and we’ll add in an eight-to-10 escalator—sorry, ladder-slide area—during this procedure.

5. New Floors

Stuyvesant doesn’t have enough space to teach as many awesome subjects as it could teach. We need to add another 10 floors, in order to a) flex on Brooklyn Tech’s massive building that houses the apartment of one of their old principals, b) accommodate several new departments, and c) incorporate some of the other things we’ve had in mind. Here’s the official floor roster:

11th Floor: Aquatic Athletics department - Literal 11th-floor pool. ‘Nuff said, ya won’t be able to joke about it for much longer.

12th Floor: Computer Science department - Since the CS department is currently stuck between three floors, just consolidate them into one floor with all kinds of cool, high-tech CS gear. Literally just throw all the money at this floor and see what sticks. Sure, their stuff won’t be as cool as the robotics kids’ stuff, but hey! It’ll make do!

13th Floor: Botany department - Just make it a greenhouse and be done with it.

14th Floor: Earth Science department - It’s absolutely ridiculous that we don’t have an earth science department! What, the biology department teaches AP Environmental Science? That’s unacceptable. This and Regents Earth Science will be the only two classes taught on this floor. What do you mean Earth Science is useless in Stuy?

15th-19th Floors: See step eight.

20th Floor: Astronomy department - Two words: big telescope. A massive one. It might not be at all useful because of the skyscrapers surrounding Stuyvesant, but it’ll make the school look cooler. The addition of a rocket launchpad should also boost enrollment in Akhmedov’s Astronomy class, because he’ll actually be able to take students to space every semester. And hey, the astrology department could probably set up shop here too!

6. Subway Link

Everyone keeps on claiming that the subways are delaying them. However, instead of pushing the school start time back, or something equally sensible, we’ve done some serious collusion with the MTA by selling some upgraded escalator tech, and the Chambers Street station has been included in the MTA’s expansion plans! We’ve demolished city regulations and plumbing systems alike in order to set this up, and when the station is complete, students should have access to all of the trains in Manhattan. That’s right, we’ve extended the 7 train even further downtown along with the L train, made all of the orange lines duck over to the West Side for only one stop (because they can’t get slower than they already are), and even extended the Q train yet again! We’re hoping it’ll take fewer than 100 years this time.

7. StuyPassport

The ID cards are getting old. They’re crappy, plastic, easy to lose, and the pictures on them don’t immortalize the ugliness of the freshmen as well as they could, because they’re so low-quality, tiny, and hopeful. So instead, we’ll be issuing the new StuyPassports! Without a StuyPassport, you can’t enter Stuyvesant unless you are touring Stuyvesant or have a StuyVisa or a StuyGreenCard. In order to obtain any of these, you’ll have to go through a complex and laborious semi-legal process involving forms I-310 through I-694, interviews with several random SU officials, and a system that makes the three-card monte look like a paragon of fairness and justice. The differences between them will be in extremely fine print at the bottom of some of those hundreds of forms, and encoded with a pigpen cypher. They will serve as valid identification throughout Stuyvesant. And, of course, they will have an ugly freshman photo on the front in full color and high quality, tinted either a glaring white or an equally glaring yellow.

8. The Robotics Lab Again, Yes Seriously, Because Who Cares Anymore

Once we’ve fended off the mobs of angry parents without their proper identification, we’re also going to expand the robotics lab onto the second floor, just to ensure that those jank robots can have enough space. After all, the robotics team is more important than literally any other club or pub at Stuyvesant. So, the entire second floor will be covered in the strange green-gray material they call “the practice carpet.” Feeling the Pulse yet?

9. Dormitories For Students

Do students even need to have lives outside of Stuyvesant? Nope! By moving all Stuy students into floors 15-19, we can almost entirely eliminate contact with the distracting, non-sleep-deprived world beyond the Tribeca Bridge. Alas, until the botany department can successfully grow enough food for 4,000+ people in a single greenhouse, the food resources of the normies will be required. Still, every other aspect of Stuyvesant life will take place within 345 Chambers Street.

10. Building A Wall

Finally, in order to secure academic excellence, Stuyvesant will declare independence from the state of New York and become a city-state. In order to pass the checkpoints (located at the Tribeca Bridge and the subway station and the former CAASS scanners), prospective students must score high enough on the SHSCSAT (Stuyvesant High School City-State Admissions Test), a test that definitely isn’t a blatant copy of the SHSAT. This will ensure that our students never have to interact with the normies outside. There won’t be any time for such frivolous pursuits as “TikTok,” which we believe is burning up valuable procrastination time and isn’t all that funny in the first place.

11. The Finale

At some point, we’ll just demolish all of the stuff we’ve just sunk money into and replace them all with more robotics lab space. Why not?