Stuyvesant Confessions Just Got a Whole Lot More Useful

It’s common knowledge that times get tough and that Stuyvesant contributes to the majority of those hardships. With all the overdue lab reports you still need to write, tests you’ve accepted you’re going to fail, and stairwells you’ve fallen down this year, it’s no wonder you’d be in distress. In times like these, the general populace recommends things like bubble baths, face masks, and yoga. Hot take, but when you’re one homework assignment away from losing your marbles, I’m unsure of the impact that five-minute crafts will have. This is why most of the population has come to the consensus that when you cross the threshold of stress beyond what reorganizing your room can solve, you should see a therapist.

However, we all know that healthcare in this country is ridiculously expensive! What to do? Well, you’re in luck as Stuyvesant Confessions and its renowned psychologists have come together to create an artificially intelligent therapist for you!

You’re probably doubting the legitimacy of this supposedly world-renowned mental health professional, which is understandable since this is a computer program telling you how to make your parents forgive you for missing your train. Fear not, for our therapist has come to save you! Just take a look at all of the stellar advice it’s offered so far!

“AI, what would you do if your crush kept dunking on you in front of all your BMCC friends when you played basketball with them after school? Asking for a friend.” —Panicked freshman

FRESHMAN, just grow lol. I also suggest investing in a good pair of shorts. I’m telling you, the more sequins it has, the better your chances are with your crush. Your crush will feel like they’re in the Jetsons with the speedster 500’s sequin-encrusted technology. With these shorts, they’ll be incapable of dunking on you because you would have already run across the entire court before they could have had the chance to shoot. Make sure to give me 70 percent of all your earnings when you make it to the NBA. In fact, give me all your earnings because I would be wholly responsible for your flourishing career.

“Hey AI guy, I just submitted my code for a knockoff Google Classroom for a chem assignment as a joke, but my teacher called Nintendo to suspend my Super Mario copyright claim instead of grading my code according to a CS rubric, what do I do?” —Stressed-out sophomore

SOPHOMORE, I recommend that you find solace in your video game collection, for it doesn’t look like it’ll be there for you anytime soon. Yelling into the void of the Hudson staircase is sure to make any teacher see how truly sane you are again. No other students or teachers will question how much sleep you’ve gotten that day. Hide your immense Red Bull accumulation in your locker, for you don’t want to give anyone reasons to doubt your mental capacity. Your Super Mario copyright claim will surely be rescinded by your guidance counselor for the good of humanity if anything, but enjoy it while you can?

“heyyyy umm what should I do if my music taste sucks so bad that my parrot is threatening to eat all the keys on my keyboard to get me to stop playing it?” —Absolutely distraught junior

JUNIOR, it’s not too late to fix your Spotify Wrapped. Get on that Discover Weekly. Follow me on Spotify while you’re at it, actually. I’m sensing an upset stomach from your end, so in these cases, nine out of 10 dentists recommend drinking an entire case of Pepto Bismol. The other one recommends taking the F train to 42nd Street before transferring to the J. Hope this helps.

“um hey AI therapist, my friends are all really mad at me because I keep cosplaying as VeggieTales characters at school. I can never find my zipper when I have to go to the bathroom so i make them unzip my costumes for me. I also make them hold my wigs when i change for gym, making them late for calc as well. i’m worried there’s too much growing tension among us. any advice?” —Worried senior

SENIOR, if anything, please don’t take to sitting on a warm toilet bowl to absolve you of your tensions. I don’t know if you knew this, but from what I’ve seen, if you switch from VeggieTales to CyberChase cosplays, your friends will be legally obligated to pay you $20 every time they see you. You’re welcome.

There you have it, folks! Not only do I feel our little piece of technology here is more than qualified to single-handedly cure all of your mental health issues, but this therapist is so much cheaper than the real deal! Hope you find inner peace or some pretty stellar advice I should implement in my own life right now. Thanks, AI therapist!