Stuyvesant Elves Go On Strike!

Stuyvesant is a school built on lies and elves. Have you ever wondered where the numerous textbooks that weigh down your backpacks and shatter your spine into tiny splinters come from? Or why their pages are suspiciously stained with tears even though they’re brand new? Or how all your tests are somehow graded in a single homeroom period? Don’t you think that’s a little suspicious? Well, now we know the answer.

A small, malnourished Christmas Elf was found wandering on November 26, 2021, around the half-floor yelling “Stwike! STWIKE!” Reporters from Spec Humor rushed to the scene to see what was going on and soon discovered a horrible secret: Stuyvesant relies heavily on illegal elf labor! Dozens of poor elves were found working in sweatshop conditions in Stuyvesant’s basement.

According to whistleblower elves, the basement working conditions are deplorable. The elves are packed into small cramped rooms with mice and asbestos. The wall paint contains toxic lead, and the ventilation is so poor that seven elves have already contracted COVID-19 (some theories say that the Omicron variant even originated in these horrible halls). What little food is served to the elves is markedly subpar though vastly superior to what is served to the students in the cafeteria. “The onwy weason we enduwed dese conditions fow so wong was thawt we had tuwu feed ouw famiwies,” one anonymous elf said. “But den ouw youngest ewf Pasta, bwess hiws souw, died of wead poisoning aftew chipped paint fwom the waww feww intwo hiws wunch. He was onwy 15,” the strike leader asserted. After the death of the beloved Pasta, the elves had enough. They quickly organized themselves and began to strike.

But where did the elves come from? Well, it’s hard to know for certain, but from multiple interrogations with involved staff members, we found that the elves were lured to Stuyvesant with $6/hour wages, which, though quite little, is still more than Santa Claus’s unpaid servitude.

When asked, the student body was unanimously in favor of freeing the elves. In an interview, freshman Isadora Explorer said, “I keep failing my gosh darn APES quizzes! Those elves grade so sloppily because of the terrible conditions they're working under. If we free them, someone who’s actually competent can grade my tests, and I can pass!” Many students shared similar sentiments as Explorer, saying that the overworked elves lead to faulty grading, tattered textbooks, and, ultimately, failing students. However, most teachers do not share this same sentiment. When asked about freeing the elves, an overwhelming number of teachers voted to keep them, saying that they helped reduce their workload. One teacher said in an e-mail interview, “Those elves are some of the most valuable resources in Stuyvesant. How am I supposed to fail three-fourths of an AP Chemistry section by myself?”

Luckily, the words of the teachers have fallen on deaf ears. The voice of the student body was simply too much, and negotiations between Principal Yu and the newly formed Union for Winter Underlings (UWU), are currently ongoing. With the support of students and the might of UWU, we trust that the elves will eventually find themselves a happy ending.