Stuyvesant Faculty Sweeps SING!

On Saturday, March 16, 2024, the curtain closed on the final performance of this year’s Senior SING!. Just when everyone thought they could finally escape the five-hour hellhole of high schoolers singing semi-comprehensible lyrics and ripping off their pants (true story), SING! supervisor Matt Polazzo stepped on stage with only about 13 percent of the life remaining in his eyes. “Wait one moment, everyone,” he announced. “In an unprecedented turn of events, there is a fourth team entering the competition this year.”

It was at that moment AP Environmental Science teacher Jerry Citron strutted on stage, clad in fishnets and tap shoes, and yelled, “Now who’s ready for a real show?”

That’s right: instead of helping out the students as usual, this year, the SING! faculty advisors went ahead and put on their own musical production. When the teachers were asked why they decided to team up against their students, biology teacher Marissa Maggio responded, “One of the freshmen hit me with a lasso and proceeded to sing ‘Sweet Home Alabama’, and that’s when I knew I just couldn’t do it anymore.”

Other staff members, such as physics teacher Jeffrey Wan, explained their repressed desires to be under the stage lights. “I was watching these kids perform, and I was thinking, Man, they cannot act for their lives,” Wan stated. “Suddenly, I realized—it should be me on stage instead.”

The faculty chose “suffering” as a theme, and their show ran for about three and a half hours (reportedly, when Polazzo tried to end the show at the one-hour mark, Maggio held open the curtain and screamed “You’re not the boss of me!”). There were some small hiccups along the way, such as when history teacher Dr. Zachary Berman, while performing an interpretive dance solo, dislocated his hip and needed to be rushed to the ER.

Nevertheless, the faculty put on an overall spectacular performance, with a high point being Latin teacher Lance Thomas’s heart wrenching rendition of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On,” accompanied by math teacher Eric Portales on the recorder. “I just couldn’t stop crying,” one anonymous sophomore stated.

After a thrilling finale in which all the teachers sang “What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction, Polazzo stepped back on stage. “Well,” he said into the microphone, wiping away tears, “I think we have a clear winner.” The audience broke into a standing ovation as French teacher Manuel Ramirez laughed in the face of Senior SING! coordinator Matthew Monge, prying the trophy out of his hands.

Needless to say, the Stuyvesant faculty made this SING! 2024 one to remember, and it is expected that they will secure a winning streak for many years to come.