Stuyvesant Has Tea With Kung Fu Tea

Kung Fu Tea closed its doors for the last time on March 15. Stuyvesant students were devastated by the demise of their favorite hangout spot. “It’s a travesty,” freshman Bob A said. “How else can I come to Spanish class 15 minutes late with my matcha milk tea with bubbles?”

The closure of the bubble tea shop has caused a variety of other problems at Stuyvesant, with many students suffering from bubble tea withdrawal symptoms. Teachers and nursing staff have petitioned Principal Eric Contreras for tea therapy, citing difficulties in teaching a class full of more-depressed-than-normal students. “I can’t teach my class about the tragedy of Macbeth if the only thing they find tragic is the lack of bubble tea!” English teacher Alicia Pohan said, while consoling a tear-ridden sophomore.

Contreras has been adamantly against such measures, calling them “costly” and a “complete waste of time.” “They can just go to Jupioca. It’s better anyway,” he said in a statement this Monday.

Jupioca, Kung Fu Tea’s rival tea vendor, has seen a boom in business as students who, with no other alternative, have turned to them for their tea fix. Jupioca’s tea sales have risen between 25 and 50 percent in the last week. Despite their increased business, the shop has recently made the controversial decision to raise tea prices by $2 and bubble prices by $0.50, a 69 percent price difference from Kung Fu Tea.

Jupioca CEO Michael Bubblé promised to “maintain [their] excellent quality despite rising costs” (a description disputed by Stuyvesant students) in a statement on Tuesday but declined to elaborate when contacted by The Spectator.

The controversy surrounding Jupioca has come alongside accusations of foul play in the closing of Kung Fu Tea. Reports from an anonymous source have highlighted a conspiracy to replace the latter’s milk with mayonnaise in order to force a closing due to health code violations. Additionally, rumors of “evil laughter” from Jupioca in the evenings leading up to March 15 have spread among students. “I heard it! It was, like, super scary!” junior Eve Dropper said.

Additional suspicions have arisen over Contreras’s involvement in the conspiracy, citing his staunch defense of Jupioca’s success. Contreras was not available for comment on these accusations. We suspect he is preparing for a job interview at Jupioca’s corporate headquarters.

The Student Union has planned a protest against the closing of Kung Fu Tea on April 20. The Spectator endorses the protest. Sophomores and Co-Editors of the Spectator News department Maddy Andersen and Erin Lee, along with Student Union Vice President Vishwaa Sofat, recently checked in on Facebook at Hanco's Bubble Tea & Vietnamese Sandwich to sample new flavors and raise awareness about the plight of Kung Fu Tea.