Stuyvesant High School Introduces Period 11 Detention

In a move that shocked many, Principal Seung Yu of New York City’s renowned Stuyvesant High School introduced a boldly innovative educational initiative aimed at reshaping the future of academic discipline. Principal Yu’s visionary plan, named “Yu’re Screwed,” adds an 11th-period detention to the end of the school day.

The school was made aware of the change during morning announcements on Friday, September 15. 

“Good morning, Stuyvesant. This is Principal Yu. Please be informed of the new change to the bell schedule. Period 11 Detention is a new part of the day for all faculty members. This is part of my brilliant Yu're Screwed plan, aimed to enforce the consequences for students who violate any of our 345 policies, which can be found on the stuy.edu website. 

“As a side note, please note the recent addition of Policy 345, ‘All individuals within the Stuyvesant High School community, including students, parents, and visitors, are expected to conduct themselves in a manner that upholds the values of respect and professionalism when interacting with Principal Seung Yu. This includes refraining from any form of personal attack, including verbal abuse, harassment, or slander, against Principal Seung Yu. Violations of this expectation will result in immediate and severe disciplinary consequences, which may include suspension or expulsion for students and appropriate actions for staff members and visitors, as determined by the school administration.’

“Back to the new bell schedule: all faculty members are expected to be present during detention. Students are not allowed to participate in Period 11 Detention. No extra credit will be given for participation. I repeat: Students are NOT allowed to participate in Period 11 Detention, only faculty members. 

“Now for some Nicki Minaj—take it away girl! Have a ‘superb-mazing-ness’ day, Stuyvesant!”

Principal Yu, always one to think outside the box, explained the motivation behind this perplexing plan in a Zoom interview with The Spectator. 

“We’ve spent years trying to enforce our policies. I have dedicated countless hours to carefully sabotaging school lunches and cyberbullying students through Stuy Confessions under my pen name, ‘Sophomore, Female.’ But maybe I’ve been looking in the wrong place. As the famous Seung Yu once said, policies are only as strong as the people who enforce them. And who is enforcing these policies? The teachers of Stuyvesant. We therefore need our teachers to be in the best physical, mental, and spiritual shape possible. How can we expect our teachers to confiscate air pods at a moment’s notice if they cannot even run on the treadmill for 10 minutes? How can we expect our teachers to discipline students if they cannot even win a debate against another teacher?

“Enter Period 11 Detention, a daily three-hour growth program created with our teachers’ needs in mind. Each detention will consist of one hour of physical growth instruction, one hour of mental growth instruction, and one hour of spiritual growth instruction. This is only one facet of Yu’re Screwed, which will revolutionize how policy violations are handled across America.

“The program will run as long as necessary—until our teachers are the strongest versions of themselves. Only then can our policies be upheld. I envision that within a few weeks, Stuyvesant High School will once again be ranked #1 on US News & World Report.”

“For the students? Oh yes. I’ve gotten several e-mails about that. There is a misconception that detention is not created with the betterment of the students in mind. That is incorrect. Everything is about the students. My life is about the students. My death is about the students. My day, my night, my coffee. Everything.”

“Yes, I know. Detention is usually for students. But that’s where Stuyvesant is different. This is why we excel over everyone else. Not only do we work on our students, but also our teachers.” 

“I got the idea from Bronx Science. Principal Rachel Hoyle and I go way back. Just the other day she was telling me about Bronx Science’s detention period. They’ve had detention for their students for years now. That got my gears turning. I’m always thinking about how I can help the students, even when I’m outside of school.”

“Me? Of course I will partake in the program. It’s the only way I can access a gym for fre—”

Principal Yu’s sentence was abruptly cut off as the Zoom meeting unexpectedly ended.

Yu’re Screwed has certainly garnered mixed reactions from students, teachers, and parents alike. Some applaud Principal Yu’s creativity, while others feel obliged to comment that it will take away from teachers’ already-limited grading time.

Regardless, one thing remains certain: Principal Yu’s Yu're Screwed has sparked a lively debate about the future of academic discipline. Only time will tell how this innovative approach to education will impact both teachers and students; nonetheless, we cannot deny Principal Yu’s unwavering dedication to the betterment of the Stuyvesant High School community. As the weeks unfold, we will see whether Yu’re Screwed is indeed the key to unlocking Stuyvesant High School’s potential, or merely a detour on the road to academic excellence.