Stuyvesant High v120.0: Updates and Patches

Welp, it’s about that time of year again! Hello, devoted players of the hottest game on the market, Stuyvesant High School, where people from all over the city convene to study, eat, study some more, suffer, cry, and eventually graduate. The success of this game confuses me to this day. Nonetheless, since thousands of you have once again chosen to subject yourselves to these horrors (or delights, depending on what you’re into) for the next 10 months, here are the official, unadulterated 2023-2024 Stuyvesant High School patch and update notes. Safe reading, you filthy masochists! 

1. Broken escalator bug patched

In the previous season of Stuyvesant High, players noted significant issues with the escalators placed throughout the main building. Sometimes, they’d be stationary for extended periods of time. Other times, players would be sucked into the treacherous abyss underneath the escalators, doomed to eternal agony and never to be seen again. And once, an escalator inexplicably moved at 200x speed, launching several players into midair and smashing the ninth-floor windows to smithereens. But never fear, young players, or as you like to call yourselves, “students,” for these issues will soon be a relic of the past. Or at least I hope so. Once, as the lead programmer, I had to travel in-game to resolve an escalator issue, and the odor—oh, the odor! I still have trouble sleeping at night because of it. 

1. Homework policy vaulted

Last season, we continued the 30-minute homework policy in-game that professors had to abide by daily. Unfortunately, there were a multitude of bugs, as no one—and I mean literally no one—followed this. Instead of trying to fix this bug, us lead programmers made the executive decision to just pull the plug on the whole feature. And besides, all you guys do in this game is study and do homework, so you probably won’t have any issues with this. Right?

1. New playable characters

As we do every season, we have added some new in-game playable characters besides the typical students. As a reminder, for the cheap price of 2.5 million StuyShekels, even little ol’ you can play as one of these elite few. Firstly, there is Dr. Rupert R. Rump, Nobel Prize winner and former physics professor at Columbia University, now taking on the incredibly prestigious role of resident hall monitor. Good luck getting past his scornful eye on the way to the potty! There is also Mr. Zamnzaniel, technically a member of our wonderful janitorial staff, whose in-game boundaries are limited to the fifth-floor boys’ bathroom—he even sleeps there overnight (nothing like a warm urinal cake to rest your head on, amiright?). We will not require the typical special character payment for this character. There will also be 25 unnamed watchmen on the roof of the main building, whose tasks involve cleaning the roof, staring longingly at the beautiful Tribeca sunset, and ensuring that not a single student leaves the building at any time during school hours. If you are caught committing the aforementioned offense, you will receive the customary punishment of spending a day playing our second most popular game, Bronx Science. Let’s just say you’ll wish you were stuck under the escalators instead. Finally, we’ve also added Mr. John Smith and Mr. Jhon Smith, conjoined twins who teach the elective courses “How to Play the Tuba (for beginners)” and “How to Play the Tuba (for people who say they’re not beginners but are really just beginners),” respectively. 

1. Player Daniel Rubinov (username @Xx_sneakydr_xX) banned permanently

We know what you did, Dan. 

1. Looming apocalypse feature vaulted

Last season, there was an in-game day when the sky turned yellow and the air filled with smoke. Mayhem soon followed as mass hysteria ensued. Over the loudspeaker, a player with a gravelly voice said, “And now, as the prophecy proclaimed, I am watching to ensure my threats are carried out” over and over again for seven hours, which didn’t help (thanks @thestreets.aintmake.no.wuss77). We developers thought we’d add some excitement to your incredibly monotonous days, but nooo—all you guys want to do is Calculus, and you even got mad at us, calling us mean names that hurt our feelings. Whatever. This is what I get for trying to be the nice guy. 

And that’s all, folks! Enjoy the next year of gameplay, and remember, there’s more to life than the numbers on your transcript. Happy studying!