Stuyvesant Hires Greek Gods To Run School

In a school as vast and as prone to complaining as Stuyvesant, many staff members have found themselves unable to handle the heat. APs and the Program Office alike are known to develop nervous twitches and a dependency on comfort food come September. To help the struggling Stuyvesant officials, a decision has been made to hire Greek figures to serve the school.

Apollo:

Recently hired to monitor the escalators, he has quite the resume. He is the God of the Sun (something students say they haven’t seen in years), knowledge, and medicine (something Asian parents think they know too well). Despite his prowess in medicine, he is still not able to come up with a cure for Ligma. Since his birth, he has been involved in something called “the slaying of the python,” which we assume is a metaphor, referring to his Intro to Computer Science class. Like a lot of Stuyvesant students, when it came to extracurricular duties, Apollo forgot about monitoring the escalators and spent half the year chasing the freshman nymph Daphne to ask her to prom. With the skills she picked up from biology, she turned herself into one of the seventh floor “DO NOT TOUCH THESE” plants before Apollo could embrace her. The 7-9 escalators haven’t worked ever since.

Talos:

Technically not a god, Talos was a giant bronze man who guarded the island of Tribeca by throwing complex equations at the ships of unwanted visitors: Brooklyn Tech students. They say when you look into his eyes, you can see your deepest and darkest fear, your freshman ID photo. He was brought in to improve communications between students and the Program Office. We tested out his program requests feature and can verify that it went much better than previous communication attempts; we attempted to drop P.E. and got the response “Papagayo.” Legend says that he had one vein running from his neck to his ankle, carrying the blood of the gods: Starbucks dark roast coffee. His eventual death occurred when the Student Union could no longer afford to pay for Starbucks every day and switched to Dunkin’ Donuts Coffee.

Argus:

A 100-eyed giant was sent down by the Stuyvesant gods to slay the snake people who disguise themselves as students and roam the halls at 6:00 a.m., stealing all the spots on the wifi. He was described as “all knowing,” making him a common target for incoming freshmen asking where they could redeem their purchased 11th floor pool passes. Another one of his tasks was protecting Io, a freshman nymph who the senior god Zeus was involved with. Zeus tried to get Argus to fall asleep, and he knew the best way to do so: He sent Argus to a freshman Art Appreciation class, and as soon as he fell asleep, Zeus successfully got rid of Argus by placing a cell phone in his hands and notifying the administration.