Stuyvesant No Longer Legally Considered A School

The New York City Department of Education (DOE) instituted new standards for what a school must do in order to legally be considered “a school” on November 1, 2019.

According to the DOE, “A school is classified as a place where people are able to learn about things and get grades, even if it is dumb-ass learning and dumb-ass grades.” Unfortunately, this brand new classification of “school” means that many schools, including Stuyvesant, are no longer considered as such.

The schools in question underwent reassessment in October. Agents from the DOE visited these schools and inspected to see if anyone was learning and whether any types of grades were being given.

When they came to Stuyvesant, the first thing they checked was the Talos website where all grades should’ve been distributed. However, they found that the website was broken beyond repair. Any and all attempts to check grades would cause the website to lag for approximately an hour until the Internet browser just gave up. In an attempt to see if there was a fixable technical error, the agents asked to see the servers. The school instead guided them to the basement and locked them in.

The second group of DOE agents then came to both check whether any learning was going on at Stuyvesant and find out what happened to their co-workers. To do this, they monitored classes and randomly picked students to interview about their experience at school.

When they monitored the classes, they found a pitiful scene. Kids who were supposedly in a Pre-calculus course were unable to answer simple questions such as “What is one plus one?” and “How do you spell your name?” Freshmen were found in their biology classrooms chanting “The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.” When asked what the sentence meant, the freshmen would stop, tear up, then begin to bang their heads over and over again while repeating “Can’t compute. Error. Can’t compute.”

The interviews with randomly selected kids went just as poorly. The question and answer session usually went like this:

DOE Agent: So, do you think you are learning anything in your classes?

Student: Honestly, I think I get dumber the longer I is here.

DOE Agent: Do you know your grades?

Student: I know the fake ones I give to my mom so she will let me eat.

DOE Agent: Final question: Have you heard any sounds of people trapped within this school? Just out of curiosity.

Student: Oh, I think I blocked out the noise of my classmates around the middle of freshman year.

DOE Agent: This interview is over.

After going over the results of Stuyvesant’s inspection, the DOE made the decision that Stuyvesant High School would no longer legally be considered a school. However, this does not mean that Stuyvesant will have to shut down. Principal Eric Contreras has said that Stuyvesant will still act as a place for teenagers to go to classes and have mental breakdowns.

“It’s gonna be just like ‘AP’ Physics. Okay? All we have to do,” Contreras said, “is just call it Stuyvesant High Schoole. Now it’s no longer a ‘school,’ whatever that means. But it will still be the same mentally destructive, dumb-of-ass Stuy that our students, or ‘studentes’ as they will now be called, know.”