Stuyvesant Replaces Talos with Even More Antiquated Technology

After the dumpster fire that was program changes last September, Stuyvesant issued a statement last week declaring a complete overhaul of the current program system, including the replacement of the now-infamous Talos with something that they promised would be “faster, better, and less cooperative than ever.”

Realizing the mistake they made in using a $1.00 GoDaddy domain to host a schoolwide website, the Program Office staff members decided to remove all traces of Talos from their premises. They lit a bonfire into which they hurled all two of their working Windows ‘97 computers along with about three reams worth of last-minute AP requests that the counselors were too lazy to read.

Once they were finished, however, they were faced with a new question: now that technology was out of the question, what would be the next best way to crush students’ hopes after keeping them in the dark for a week? While they contemplated the question, intern Jodda Ron found his answer in the now-smoking pile of ash in the middle of the room.

The new program, dubbed “Hestia” by Ron, aims to bring a much more streamlined and simple experience to processing changes. “Instead of e-mailing a lengthy five-paragraph essay to your counselor citing your sexual attraction to your teacher as a reason to transfer out of five different classes, you can now simply signal to your counselor your preferred class schedule in Morse code and wait only 10 minutes before being told your request is denied!” Ron said.

When asked about how long-distance messages would work without computers, Ron responded, “Forget about using those clunky piles of trash—instead of relying on technology that became outdated 20 years ago, Hestia’s going to run on the world’s oldest known method of communication: smoke signaling!”

“Forget the old days of having to camp in the fifth-floor hallway for six hours to move your lunch period one spot down,” Ron continued. “With Hestia, we’ll be notified of your request about two minutes after you send it, provided that you know how to start your own campfire from scratch and already mastered Morse coding.”

In preparation for the program, Stuyvesant plans to release a new set of “15Tech” classes to teach students the extremely niche survival skills needed to do program changes. Subjects will include AP Fire Starting (with a pre-requisite of <65 in both Health and CPR/First-Aid), Carrier Pigeon Training, Semaphore, and whatever other skills the school found in the official Scout’s Handbook. As with both 5- and 10Tech classes, students are required to take at least one 15Tech to receive a Stuyvesant-endorsed diploma, provided that they didn’t sign up for annualized Intro to Camping freshman year.

When asked about what would happen if students wanted to transfer from their 15Techs, Ron responded with, “Wait a minute—oh, [expletive],” before promptly kicking the reporters out of the Program Office. He denied further comment.