Stuyvesant Shares New Year’s Resolutions for 2023

2023 has darkened our doorsteps. People everywhere are once again setting unreasonable expectations for themselves, sugarcoating them as resolutions and attempting to improve their ultimately futile lives. We asked Stuyvesant students, faculty, and inanimate objects for their 2023 resolutions this year. Feel free to use this as a checklist and see how many are broken within the first week of 2023.

“My goal this year is to have a perfect 4.0 GPA. I spent the whole first semester refining my foolproof study plan, going to every single AIS session, and training myself to survive on three hours of sleep every night. I have become the ultimate student. No test will stand in my way. I will—hold on, AP Chemistry scores just dropped? The class average was a 70? I got a WHAT?” —Rita Lin, sophomore, who asserts that her name is just a coincidence and not indicative of any actual behaviors

“For 2023, I’m not stepping back into Stuyvesant. I’m leaving. I don’t care if it gets me fired. I’m not going in there. I have suffered for endless hours in that building, trying to do the impossible and keep all the escalators in that building working. I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to be happy in 2023!” —An escalator repairman’s last words before he fled the building, never to be seen again

“My goals for 2023 aren’t too unrealistic. I just hope to not catch fire like my friend at Brooklyn Tech. Tragic what happened, although setting me ablaze would be a great way for a student to get out of a test.” —Toilet in the second-floor girls’ bathroom that can somehow talk?

“This year, I have an ambitious resolution—no, mission. I plan to venture up to the 11th floor to confirm the pool’s existence. So many upperclassmen have been mocking me whenever I bring up our savior, the pool—they always say it is merely a joke. They even tore down the shrine I dedicated to it! I do not believe them. My dedication to the holy pool deity will not waver. I will find the truth!” —Dora Explorer, freshman and self-described “pool worshipper”

“I resolve to be more focused on my career this year and less focused on BTS. While I love my boys and will always be a staunch ARMY, I’m concerned that my love for BTS overshadows all other aspects of my life. My paycheck is eaten away by the cost of their albums. Spending so much time watching their beautiful performances is hindering my performance at work. I need to stop. It shouldn’t be too hard to accomplish this goal! I just have to not think about how Jin is enlisted in the military, and how he shaved off all his lovely silky hair, and how my baby fake maknae is going off to war, and the fact that my seven beautiful boys won’t make music or be together for another two years…” —Principal Yu, who was visibly distraught and began sobbing after making this statement

“This year, I resolve not to make any more jokes about broken escalators, AP Chemistry, or the 11th floor. They’re overused and, frankly, not funny anymore. I can do better as a writer.” —anonymous Spectator Humor writer, who has resolved for the last six years to get a girlfriend

Whether or not you’ve made New Year’s resolutions for yourselves, The Spectator Humor department wishes you a miserable 2023!