Stuyvesant Sports Teams Have Record Season

Ever since the spring season for PSAL sports began back in March, Stuyvesant’s diverse range of sports teams has been on an undefeated streak. For example, last year, the cricket team, the [???], had a win-loss record of 2-9. However, this year, the team has had a win-loss record of 0-0. Compared to last year, the contrast is amazing. And look, it might not look like much, but there is a zero in the loss section that isn’t part of a 10, and that’s what matters. This shocking amount of losses isn’t an isolated event: all the teams that play in the spring season have had a similar phenomenon of an undefeated streak during the 2020 PSAL spring season.

Student-athletes, parents, and fellow peers have been quick to praise the passionate and talented physical education staff for Stuyvesant’s recent success. When we questioned Athletics Director Peter Bologna about this change, he responded, “I don’t know you. Why are you calling me at 3:00 in the morning about this? School is closed. Why are you still trying to talk to your teachers? I have a life, you know. Don’t you have a life?”

However, it is definitely peculiar as to how Stuy has gone from its sorry athletic state to a school that has yet to be defeated this season. While nobody questions the talent of Stuyvesant’s coaches, it is inevitable that salty people with nothing else to do in their lives are going to question the validity of Stuyvesant’s results. In a school notorious for academic dishonesty, many have accused its students of athletic dishonesty, otherwise known as doping. We asked sophomore and student-athlete Blaise Ite about these accusations. “I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I have been stoned out of my mind during this entire quarantine, but that has nothing to do with sports. In fact, I’m pretty sure it makes me worse at sports,” Ite said. “I tried to do a pull-up yesterday but instead just walked to the kitchen and poured myself some corn flakes.”

No matter the cause, it is astonishing to see Stuyvesant’s athletic program turn a new leaf with its undefeated spring season. This new rush of sports prowess is totally not because all of the PSAL sports events have been canceled due to corona. No. Stuyvesant High School is just that good at sports.