Sudden Rise in Perfect Eyesight As Decade Begins

As people woke up on January 1, 2020, it seemed like any other first day of the year. They snoozed the alarm on their phone, realized how bad their hangover was, stayed in bed for an extra 30 minutes before realizing that they could no longer go back to bed, scrolled on their phone for another 30 minutes, finally came to terms with their awful life, and got out of bed. And if they needed glasses or contact lenses, they put them on and began the rest of their morning routine.

But to the surprise of many people who used corrective measures for their vision, they found that as they put on their glasses and contact lenses, the implements were now totally useless and a waste of money. Instead of the crisp, clear vision that they would usually obtain after putting them on, they instead saw giant blurry blobs that looked kind of like a more traumatized version of their soul.

It didn’t stop there. Once these people, incredibly confused about what had happened to their prescription lenses overnight, decided to take them off and try to continue with their pathetic existence, they found that they didn’t need their glasses. It seemed as if their vision had magically corrected itself overnight.

Junior Eise Arbad was one of the millions of people across the United States who experienced this strange phenomenon. “I’ve needed glasses ever since I was in kindergarten,” he said. “And I had a really strong prescription. I was basically blind without my glasses. Like, literally blind. If I didn’t have them on, I was legally required to wear a sign saying ‘WATCH OUT. THIS KID CAN’T SEE.’”

“One time I lost my glasses in freshman year, and I needed to get to school like right away, so I said ‘whatever’ and ran to the subway. I ran up the platform just in time to get on the train and threw myself onto what felt like an empty bench. It wasn’t until I heard my mom yelling at me about not being at school that I realized I wasn’t on the subway—I had somehow run all the way back home and thrown myself back on the couch,” Arbad said.

When asked about how he felt about suddenly having perfect vision after the new year began, he said, “It’s kinda weird. No one recognizes me without my glasses, which kinda sucks because I honestly feel like I look 420 times hotter with them on. I can’t even recognize myself without my glasses! I walked by a mirror the other day, and I saw this dude, and I literally screamed and punched it thinking some demon thing was in the mirror. Then I realized it was me. Admittedly, that was kinda dumb, but I was working on two hours of sleep, which is twice as much as I usually get, so I was not really in the best state of mind.”

This event has thrown the world into a state of chaos and confusion. Demand for empty glasses frames has risen as people who suddenly have perfect vision now need a way to look hotter/smarter. People who wore contact lenses are now ecstatic that they can finally sleep without worrying that they forgot to take them off. We have discovered who Superman is. And people who got laser eye surgery have been reported to be rioting outside clinics, demanding their money back.

People all around the world have been trying to find an explanation for the occurrence of this unprecedented event. Last week, the Pope announced it to be a miracle from God himself. Cults with names such as “The Eye on the Illuminati Pyramid” and “Make Us Blind Again” have formed their beliefs around the mysterious event, with some claiming it to be a sign of the coming apocalypse. The astrology community has declared it to be a sign that Uranus is in the House of Urmom. And a growing number of people have claimed that it was the act of aliens who thought, “Huh. What would happen if we messed around with these weird things on two legs?”

Though the scientific community has been dumbstruck as to how and why this phenomenon occurred as the new decade arrives, Arbad has tried his best to offer a reason.

“I guess,” he said, “we all just have 20/20 vision now.”