Thanks, New York Post

To the writers and editors of the New York Post:

On behalf of the entire Crooked Stuy community, I would like to extend a big thank you. I hope the fact that this letter was, of course, entirely plagiarized (fortunately, the Spectator doesn’t require we use Turnitin!) wouldn’t take away from its meaning, which is that the writers of the New York Post are heroes. Honestly.

For the longest time, issues of cheating have afflicted Stuyvesant. Completely mortified, our student body watched helplessly as we ourselves leaked homework answers, developed sophisticated CIA-approved technology to share test answers (apparently memorizing complex T-F sequences based on algorithms hidden in Mona Lisa’s smile), and reconstructed a Scantron machine that could only mark answers correct. We swear we didn’t mean it!

Despite our communal desperation to be academically honest and upstanding citizens and scholars, there must be something about Stuy’s unique toxicity that forced us into a life of bitter lies. Even more heartbreaking is how woefully unreported this issue was. It was the elephant in the room—a big, oppressive problem that no one really talked about or mentioned. No one talked about it. No one. No one was brave enough. Until the New York Post, that is.

But on January 27, 2018, a day that will surely go down in history, our “disgraceful scandal” finally made its way to the mainstream. What scandal was actually being reported on is still a total mystery. Was it the VHL thing that happened last year? Does the NYP think that “last spring” qualifies as news in need of reporting? We may never know why academic dishonesty executed by our “brainy kids” in this “educational crown jewel” suddenly became worthy of commenting on out of the blue; the important thing is that someone finally had the nerve to do it!

Fortunately for us all, the New York Post was lucky enough to find a reliable source to quote for 97 percent of their article! Some random newspaper called The Spectator had some stats or something, which is incredibly convenient. It’s almost as if kids at Stuyvesant are self-aware and have tried bringing attention to and investigating their own issues, without the interference of uninspired reporters.

However, the New York Post article is not just the “whistleblower” we all desperately needed, no. While it deserves a million overjoyed celebrations (at the very least, multiple lectures in every class about the horrors of academic dishonesty followed by a swift and brutal downpouring of homework), it also brings our attention to a problem I imagine most of us didn’t even know we had: David Bloomfield is aLarMeD!!! I’m afraid it’s true. A random educator is concerned about us, so that’s how you really know we’ve fallen from our graces.

The New York Post has taught us a lesson, and we need to learn from it. Guys, this “hanky panky” needs to end! Now, all that’s left is to be gracious. Thank you, New York Post for repurposing our journalism (the citations were properly formatted!! The only thing that could have been better is if they had linked us!!!), demonizing and undermining our school (the only place where any academic dishonesty happens), and, as is the hallmark of great writing, failing to ask any important follow-up questions (i.e. What is at the root of this academic dishonesty? Why is it so epidemic? Perhaps even: How can we help and better the school so as to resolve this problem?).

And yeah, you can quote us on that.