Thanksgiving Dinner: The Turkeys Fight Back

“This is the third annual meeting of Turkeys United Against Humans. Is everyone accounted for?” a turkey asked a cabal of fellow turkeys, all seated around a long table. On the table lay empty plates and discarded utensils. “Is Kevin here?”

“No, they got him last week after he climbed onto one of their tractors and refused to get off. May he rest in peace,” another turkey piped up.

“Alright, so everyone except Kevin is here?”

A gobble of assent sounded around the room.

“Alright. Let the TUAH meeting begin, then.” The turkey sat back down and let the turkey at the head of the table take the stage. 

“We are entering a new era of Turkeykind. Humans have pushed us to our limits. We will no longer stand for this ritual slaughter and consumption of our friends and family.” The turkey glanced at its compatriots, all wearing equally convicted expressions.

“And what do you suggest we do, chief?” a turkey called out.

A dangerous glint appeared in the head turkey’s beady eyes.

“Well, this is America, isn’t it? We start exercising our Second Amendment rights.” 

A rousing uproar of gobbles and clucks and hoorahs filled the meeting room.

“Guns! I love American freedom!” A turkey sitting at the table threw its wings in the air and gobbled in delight. 

Another turkey wiped away a sob. “Now I can ensure my wife and eggs are protected from the evil men.”

“Let them have a taste of their own medicine! They gun us down in cold blood and stuff us with aromatics and breadcrumbs! Let’s see how they like being served plucked bare of tailfeathers!” the head turkey called over the rest of the celebrating mass of fowl in order to try to reign in the noise level. “This is now our first priority in TUAH! We arm ourselves and protect our kind at any cost!”

Another gobble of assent rang out.

“A question, bossturkey?” A small turkey raised a wing into the air. Immediately, every turkey turned to stare at it.

“Shoot.”

“Are we still allowed to use machetes?” Utter silence fell upon the gathering. Then—

“Dude, we’re American! Why would we need to use machetes when we have the US Constitution?”

The turkeys started to gobble even louder again. 

“You know what, let’s do it right now! Let’s siege the humans! Let’s get supplies, now!”

“Yeah, do we even need to show ID to get into a Walmart? No, right?”

“We can get stuffing while we’re at Walmart, too. Let’s stuff those humans with metal and herbs!”

“Yum… Sounds exciting!”

“Dude, I don’t think we should eat them. Who knows what junk they’ve eaten or wear on their featherless faces.”

“We should get the tofurkys to join us in our movement. Collective action!”

“That’s just beans. Shouldn’t we ask the chickens instead?”

“We can get the geese, too. The swans! The pheasants!” 

“Ew, waterfowl?”

“Look, we can’t be picky about our allies.”
“Aren’t you half duck?”

“Yes, why? You wanna go? You wanna go, huh?”
Loud gobbles started to shake the walls.

A lone turkey shouted over the din. “When I say hawk, you say—”

“TUAH! TURKEY REVOLUTION!”

“WHEN I SAY HAWK, YOU SAY—”

“TUAH! TUAH! TUAH!”

At the head of the table, the bossturkey watched the birds mingle with joy. Finally. After so long, they will be free from fear of humans. Finally, it feels like everything has lined up for a clear sunny day (as clear and sunny as November can be, at least) for all of turkeykind. At last, they are launching their counter.