Thanos Runs For SU

Thanos, the intergalactic conqueror also known as the Mad Titan and the Thicc Icon, has just announced his intent to run for Student Union (SU) president, against [insert power hungry and Ivy-League desperate candidates here]. The announcement was in the form of a public Facebook statement, where Thanos stated his two main campaign promises: kill half of the population of Stuyvesant in order to secure more funding, resources, and spots in advanced classes for the remaining students, and open up the fifth floor roof for lunch periods and class time.

His sudden announcement has ignited a spark in a large portion of the student body, who were already disenchanted with what they believe to be a corrupt and shady AF SU. “I fully support him,” sophomore Stowe C. Opath said. “He’s power-hungry, but not too power-hungry. I can certainly see him getting this done within the lifespan of the Solar System. Plus, he’s got a plan to achieve what he wants: gather school funding and approval for an Infinity Gauntlet, retrieve the Infinity Stones, and *SNAP*! He might even be able to make the cafeteria not smell like the death of all our hopes and dreams!”

Furthermore, Opath sees Thanos as a Candidate of the People. He claims, “There’s probably so many options for students to assist: there’s a guy in my comp sci class with a 200 average, and I’m 100 percent sure he has the Mind Stone. I’m down with helping by ripping it out of his smug head.”

His brother, Sike Opath, agrees. “ Thanos is much better than anyone else running. They either want too much—like extra credit for clubs, napping for extra credit, a working WiFi system, playing “Gucci Gang” instead of morning announcements, and lead free water—or BS their lack of a plan by saying ‘OUr gOal iSN’t tO wIN, It’S To sENd a MeSSagE,’” Opath said. “Mass genocide of the student population is the only reasonable platform any of these candidates have. Everyone else’s arguments for their positions are just stuff like ‘we believe this will make the student body happy’ and ‘we are the only ones running you people have no choice.’”

Some of his other supporters are excited for the implementation of his policies. “I got rejected from applying to 5 APs because apparently a GPA of 64.999 can’t be rounded up to 100 to make the cut. But if everyone else in those classes dies, then they HAVE to let me in. And if he kills me instead, then I get to be released from the turmoil that is human existence! It’s a win-win!” freshman Dez Perate said.

However, for all the supporters of Thanos’ candidacy, there are just as many who oppose him. “I’ve got a thriving business reselling Supreme™ Juul pods. If he actually implements his policies, I’ll lose half my customers!” junior Kappy Talist exclaimed.

Others believe that he’s just another candidate wanting to look good for colleges. “Oh, he looks good now, but we all know he’s never going to get anything done. Two years ago Kim Jong Un got elected as SU president by promising to nuke the school, but here we are, still an intact and non-radioactive school!” junior Kim Jong Il stated.

As of time of publishing, Thanos has retrieved the Reality Stone and has used it to fix more of the subway than the MTA has done in a decade, to great acclaim. The Spectator desperately wants to give him an endorsement, but is too fearful of the 57 excessive Facebook messages they will inevitably receive from each other candidate to do so.