THAT DOLL CRAZE

Dolls have made a huge comeback this year due to the hype surrounding the new Barbie live-action film and the unstoppable resurgence of Y2K fashion. That’s why doll brands are locked in fierce competition to get their plastic figurines to the top of the toy market! The Spectator collected statements from some of the major players in this cutthroat corporate game.

Mattel: 

“Barbie, of course, is a CLASSIC choice, and with the new movie coming out, it’s in vogue too! With the recent boost in interest for our brand, we decided that we should double down and embrace what made our toys so popular in the first place! We believe that giving our dolls large breasts is important for young girls because they anatomically represent what they SHOULD look like in the future; now, we’re increasing the size of them! That’s right, double the boob! Some of you may wonder, ‘How will this affect Barbie’s weight and size? Will they also be increased?’ Our answer is ‘no, of course not!’ Instead, we determined that—since it is physically impossible for a woman’s weight to exceed 110 pounds—we’ll just decrease Barbie’s waist size! Now, instead of being 3.5 inches, the waist will be only one centimeter! But Barbie isn’t just about body shape! We’re SUPER into feminism too! Our Barbies go AGAINST the grain and have careers that inspire young girls to take on male-dominated jobs such as construction workers, presidents, and Alpha-male podcasters! Our dolls come in many races, and we’re inclusive enough to allow them to be Barbie’s friend-of-color! Our Teen Talk Barbies, once criticized for the ‘Math is hard’ statement set on their voice boxes, have undergone MANY changes since their original release. They now spit out scientific formulas and binary code, from 1000101 to 110100100! Oh, and for our conservative audience, you’re in luck too! Because despite how much we try to seem ‘woke,’ we would NEVER dare step out of our realm of unspecified feminism! Yes—that’s right! We WILL NOT take any hard stances, We WILL NOT voice opinions on pressing social issues!... EXCEPT WHEN IT’S PRIDE MONTH!!! Hello to our wonderful LGBTQ+ supporters out there! We put rainbows on our Barbies; buy them!

Still not convinced about how pro-girl power we are? Well, just listen to what our beloved CEO, Jimmy D. Sasuage, has to say:

‘Yeah I—we love women over here at Mattel incorporated! We love ‘em so much! There’s just so many things that we allow them to do, like being important assistants, or that lady who changes the letters on Wheel of Fortune—God, I love that show—or maybe even a WNBA player! Wow, ain’t that cute? How many words does this statement have to be?’”

American Girl: 

“American Girl dolls have gone through a lot, but challenging life experiences are exactly what we try to teach little girls about. Life is pain, but we must persevere with smiles on our faces and grace in our hearts. This means no getting angry or seeking revenge, no matter how justified we are. Take, for example, our doll Addy. She was born into slavery, witnessed her enslavers sell her family far, far, away, and even escaped to freedom in Philadelphia. However, in her book series, she feels no ill will toward the people who enslaved her. Now, that’s feminism! We’ve also noticed an influx of memes centered around how much our dolls suffer and have decided to cash in on them. Coming in late 2023, we’re releasing a brand new assortment of dolls with all-new stories! We have Jessica, the daughter of a struggling single mother in the midst of the 2008 recession; Akari, an eight-year-old Japanese girl faced with the horrors of the internment camps after the attack on Pearl Harbor; and Monica, whose entire family died of smallpox after she woke up from a coma. These brave, strong, and confident ‘women in STEM’ will face whatever challenges life throws their way with courage, intellect, grace, strength, bravery, courage, intellect, grace, strength, strength, and anti-capitalism. So buy our $250 dolls (and the $70 book sets that accompany them); it’s the least you can do for the brave young women in your life. And now, to convince you further, a statement from Jimmy D. Sausage—again!

‘Wait, we [Mattel] bought the American Girl company? No wayyy! That’s so sick—I love short chicks! (*indistinct whispering offscreen*) What? I don’t see how that could’ve made ANYONE uncomfortable—I was just saying how much I like these shorter females. Why did I say chicks?—I just call females that, it’s no big deal. (*More fervent whispering*) Oh— oops. (*Jimmy turns to the camera) I’ve just been informed of how my words could affect these young, strong adolescent women in STEM, and I would just like to apologize for and rescind my earlier statement. (*Jimmy turns away from the camera*) Y’know, Linda, this is EXACTLY why we hired you as the only female on our team! Not many females can think as hard as you do, Linda— you’re one of the intelligent ones!’”

MGA Entertainment: 

“Bratz dolls have been the alternative for the girls who aren’t blonde and white since their creation! We have the perfect racially-ambiguous Kylie Jenner look that’s so in right now, and also a body type so exaggerated that no girl could possibly feel the need  to conform to it! Our legs are impossibly long, our lips are huge, and our eyes are slanted (but not TOO slanted—we still want that racially-ambiguous chic look). Some parents may say that we promote sexual behavior through our dolls’ proportions, or that our dolls look ‘coked out’ due to the perpetually lazy and uncaring expressions on their faces. In response, we suggest just buying those impossibly skinny, blonde, white Barbies!”