That’s What I’m Tackoing About

As VCU’s Isaac Vann hurtled down the court past the UCF squad, he had one thing on his mind: getting the basketball into the basket. After a pass to teammate Marcus Santos-Silva (6’7”), who was in the paint, it seemed Vann would get an easy bucket. Cue Tacko Fall. The 7’6” center slapped the ball out of Santos-Silva’s hands and into the stands without having to jump. To add salt to the wounds, he continued the assault by screaming, “Get that [expletive] outta here,” leaving Santos-Silva in tears. Just hours later, Santos-Silva announced his retirement and moved to the Rocky Mountains in hopes of elevating himself to Tacko’s level one day (literally).

The moral of this story isn’t that basketball ends people’s lives. That’s happened before. What’s crazy is that Tacko is 7’6”. That’s a grand total of four inches (way higher than my math average) taller than anyone ever needs to be. Just think of all the shelves you could reach. I’m 6’1” (sorry to flex on y’all) and I think that’s pretty good, but I [expletive] myself when I see Tacko. For tall people, it’s daunting to meet someone taller than you. I get intimidated by people who are taller than me because it’s unprecedented. If I turn the corner and see Tacko walking down the street, I would turn right back around, go home, and cry myself to sleep. It’s different for short people because then they’d have to be scared of everyone they run into.

So, basically, Tacko scares me and he should scare you too. Poor Santos-Silva sure is scared. Tacko has been dunking and blocking kids (people under 6’5”) for four years in the NCAA now, so he has a big decision to make. Does he graduate and go into the workforce as an engineer or go to the NBA and join the court force? To help him make his decision, I will weigh the pros and cons of becoming an engineer.

Pros

* If he becomes an engineer, he will have a

more stable job, as the NBA might

not pan out if he gets injured.

* He can build doors that he can fit through without ducking.

Cons

* He would not enjoy it.

* He would miss dunking on fools and dominating the paint.

* He would have to work very hard.

* He would not get paid as much.

So, the decision is simple. Tacko, if you’re reading this, do yourself a favor and go to the NBA. It would decrease my rate of crying myself to sleep because he would probably be surrounded by paparazzi whenever he walks out of his house. It’ll be tough for him, though, since the paparazzi can’t miss him. I can overcome my fear of heights and help you out as well by building taller doors for you, so don’t worry about that.