The Art of COVID Announcement (Teacher E-mails Edition)

So it has finally happened. You ate one too many of those suspicious cafeteria burgers and now you’re preg—I mean, your COVID test is showing two lines. You’re all ready to start making those subpar Facebook posts begging for notes when you realize that you have to contact your teachers as well. Shoot! Panic sets in as you remember what happened the last time you e-mailed a teacher—they ghosted you and then publicly humiliated you during class for submitting your homework one minute late. But fear not, because we’ve got you covered! Continue reading for some specsy e-mail tips and templates that will make all of your teachers love you, 100 percent guaranteed!

First, you should start off every e-mail by calling your teachers by endearing nicknames that you should have prepared before the school year started. Some great examples include “Dr. No” and “Mr. You.” This will ensure that they feel comfortable responding to you in an informal fashion, and make them zero percent less likely to ghost you!

Then, just follow the templates that we have so thoughtfully provided! Feel free to copy and paste at your leisure.

For the history teachers:

“Hello [insert endearing nickname],

Over 100 years ago, Europe and the Americas endured a devastating pandemic that killed millions. I am experiencing a modern version of that today, as I have unfortunately contracted COVID and will be out of commission, just like the millions of people who were permanently out of commission after the 1918 outbreak of the Spanish Flu. Because of this, I will be in isolation for the next week, just as the U.S. isolated itself from international politics in the 1930s as it tried not to become involved in World War II.

I am very sad to be missing your class, just like lots of people were sad—depressed, even, in the fall of 1929 after the stock market crashed. I will also, unfortunately, miss the test on Friday, but please don’t wage war on my grades the way the French commoners waged war on King Louis XVI in the French Revolution!

My health is sinking faster than the Titanic on April 14, 1912,

[insert your name]”

For the science teachers:

“Hello [insert endearing nickname],

You’re hotter than the bunsen burner, and I would hate to miss seeing your lovely face every day, but my immune system has failed me, and the COVID virus has already started its replication process. My B-cells have abandoned me, and I cannot bear to do the same to you by disappearing from your classes without letting you know in advance. My circadian rhythm will be counting down the minutes till I can see you again, and when I am finally able to, I will be sure to run to school with an initial velocity of five meters per second and an acceleration of 10 meters per second squared in the positive x-direction.

On a side note, I hope that you too, see me as hot (in fact, I currently have a fever of 100.4 degrees Kelvin), and that when we see each other again, we’ll have a reaction that goes to completion. After all, according to Newton’s Third Law, if I’m attracted to you, then you are equally attracted to me, right?

In physiological distress,

[insert your name]”

For the English teachers:

“Holla [insert endearing nickname],

I desire yond thou art doing well. Unf'rtunately, i couldst not sayeth the same about myself. A m're minute ago, i did test positive f'r COVID, a woeful piece of news forsooth. The first thing i didst wast e-mail you—i hadst to alloweth thee knoweth right hence. Due to these extenuating circumstances, i shall has't to isolate at home. Mine own heart drops of sorrow at the bethought of not being in thy class f'r the next week, but i'll doth what i wilt to ensureth the safety of thee and mine own fellow classmates.

i shalt seeth thee in a weeks' timeth,

[insert your name]”

For the math teachers:

“Hello [insert endearing nickname],

Unfortunately, the no-choice theorem has dictated that I must stay home after contracting COVID. There is an extremely high statistical chance that I will infect my teachers and peers, so I will safely isolate myself at home. In the meantime, I will take it upon myself to memorize the first 100 digits of pi. Hopefully, this will exempt me from any other math work that I will miss while I’m out.

Suffering from 360 different degrees of pain,

[insert your name]”

For the language teachers:

“你好 [insert endearing nickname],

Espero que estés bien. 残念ながら、私は自分自身について同じことを言うことができませんでした. Il y a à peine une minute, j'ai été testé positif au COVID, une terrible nouvelle en effet. Primum illud egi e-mail tibi; Ilicet ut scias me. Aufgrund dieser mildernden Umstände muss ich mich zu Hause isolieren.

一周后见,

[insert your name]”

For the gym teachers:

“Hello [insert endearing nickname],

I am so sad to miss your class because I just love jogging in circles for 20 minutes at the start of every class. Due to leading the warmups in front of all of those unmasked kids, I have unfortunately been exposed to COVID. Regretfully, I will not be able to run the PACER test next Monday, even though I had been training so hard for it (my new personal best is two laps!). I will also miss the Gym quiz scheduled for Friday. Do you perhaps offer Zoom make-up quizzes?

Already out of breath,

[insert your name]”

Finally, a special template for all the bald teachers out there:

“Hello [insert endearing nickname],

I regret to inform u that I have contracted COVID and will not be able to see ur shiny, BALD head every day. I would HATE to spread the dreadful disease to you and deprive everyone of seeing your baldness in all your glory for a week, so I take it upon myself to do the responsible thing and stay home.

I am currently suffering from Bald-Head withdrawal symptoms, but I shall brave it for YOU, so that the next time I come to class, I may see the light again, which just so happens to be reflecting brightly off your head.

Regretfully,

[insert your name]”

All of your teachers will be so touched by your unique and one-of-a-kind e-mail that they will immediately pardon your absence and even offer to give you 10 points of extra credit! Please be sure to send some thanks (and cash!) to the Humor Department. :)

However, should you find that your teachers start ghosting you after you use these templates, please call 1-SKI-LLI-SSUE. Also note that we at The Spectator are not responsible for any adverse effects that may result from the use of these templates.