The Case for Situationships: Slow and Steady Wins the Race

If I were to describe to my friends something not quite a relationship, but not quite a friendship, either, I would be met with faces of disappointment and worry. I can already hear my friends saying, “Oh no, girl, it sounds like a situationship…”

A “situationship” describes the often awkward or confusing period people spend without a clear label to define their romantic feelings toward each other. Situationships are often referred to as notions of doom, hopelessness, and toxicity—a naive hope for a relationship in which one person isn’t quite ready to commit. Many consider a healthy relationship to shift directly from a talking stage or crush stage to a committed relationship, but relationships aren’t built to fit into a rigid timeline that avoids situationships at all costs. While some situationships are indeed built upon toxicity, the nature of a situationship isn’t to blame; a toxic couple will be toxic whether they are in a situationship or in a fully-committed relationship. Indeed, our generation’s speed-ahead counterculture of situationships eliminates the genuine connection that would prevent so many early breakups, and, ironically, causes more heartbreak than happy endings.

The fresher any relationship is, the more likely it is to end. According to a scientifically-backed ‘breakup probability’ calculator, 63 percent of two to three month old relationships between adults are predicted to break up in the upcoming months. This number drops down to 42 percent in the next two to four months. However, in the next year, the probability of a breakup only drops by one percent and continues to steadily decrease over the following years. Hence, a disproportionate amount of breakups occur in the very first few months of a labeled relationship when couples begin to get to know one another and explore their dynamics.

For us, though, it’s different. Teenage relationships only last an average of six months. For freshmen, they only last an average of four months, and as senior year approaches, they only last an average of nine months. This means that most relationship timelines are condensed, and a one-month situationship can feel as though it drags on forever. It makes sense why—our lives are ever-changing and unstable; our senses of self and identity, not to mention our brains, are far from fully developed, and our emotions are intense. Most teens don’t fully know what they want out of a romantic relationship because of a lack of extensive experience. So, we lose feelings, get into arguments, and make rash decisions. The fragility of any new relationship is greatly magnified by our teenhood, and this sense of impermanence makes us desperate to grab on to any strings of romantic relationships we find in efforts to preserve them. Ironically, rushing to slap a label on a relationship often backfires, introducing new pressures and expectations that are simply unrealistic for a new relationship. With so much pressure from our peers to skip past the situationship phase, many teen relationships break up as quickly as they begin. 

Deciding to make a relationship official means working towards caring for your significant other’s wants, needs, and feelings—always. In a healthy relationship—when both people understand each other—there is a sense of comfort and security. Therefore, many teenagers consider a label to be important in establishing a healthy, lasting relationship and, conversely, fear the daunting uncertainties of a situationship. 

The issue with many relationships that skip a situationship stage is that, like any relationship, the same expectations and hopes apply but without the knowledge and mutual understanding that make these hopes realistic. Most of the time, having to carry a sense of obligation to someone you’ve just met, or began looking at, in a romantic context quickly becomes stressful. If taken at a slower pace, there could have been room to breathe. 

The first weeks of getting to know someone should be authentic, but when pressured with a presumptuous label, authenticity is difficult. Communication, trust, and knowing yourself and your partner are the very foundation of any relationship. Without worrying about having to fulfill the expectations of a label, couples can spend time actually navigating connection and trust. None of this is to say, however, that being in a situationship for many months or even years (it happens!) is healthy—when situationships drag on to the point where the ultimate decision is that there will never be an ultimate decision, usually at least one person feels hurt.

But situationships have their place. Much of the toxicity surrounding situationships doesn’t come from their nature but, rather, how we view them. When we find ourselves in situationships, we decide they are the ultimate fate of a relationship rather than a stepping stone to an official one. While there are many cases where a situationship is all a relationship will ever be, there are also many where it won’t. Relationships suffer under any rigid structure and pressure. Connection, feelings, and love aren’t meant to fit into any specific timeline, as every single relationship is different. Social expectations like these are often the demise of teen relationships because teens are especially susceptible to social pressures.

So, to my friends’ faces of horror, I would say that it’s okay if my situationship fails—it’s okay if we find out we’re completely incompatible or aren’t meant to be, because there aren’t unrealistic expectations weighing down on us, nor are we trying to push ourselves way faster than what feels natural. Not because I don’t care, or because I don’t ultimately want it to be official, but because I care so much. I care enough to spend the scary time in an in-between state, building genuine connection for a long-lasting relationship.