The Chances of Alien Invasion are High, but Our Percentage of Brainrot is Higher

As of late, NYC, the economic epicenter of America (home to the country’s largest population of six-foot-five-inch, blue-eyed men in finance), has been experiencing some rather suspicious changes—the installation of the NYC-to-Dublin portal and the creation of the 65-foot-long Times Square hot dog. While modern-day art can be a banana taped to a wall, these installations suggest deeper meanings and intentions that are most definitely correlated to some otherworldly extraterrestrial life. However, the reactions to the portals and overall TikToker mentality here in NYC seem to have had an adverse effect on alien motivation to invade…

Stepping back and looking at the larger picture, the portal between Dublin and NYC is especially, and suspiciously, well thought out for our skibidi toilet-ridden society. According to professors from the newest Ivy college, the Outerspace Institute of Technology (OIT), this portal was originally created to link people from across the world to celebrate their differences. However, as much as you may want to believe this statement, I kindly remind you that the same people who find joy in pointing out subway rats are probably not capable of thinking of these ideas, let alone simple thoughts in general. Instead, we need to realize that this portal is ultimately built on alien motivation to take over. 

The signs may seem random, but that’s what they want us to believe, so bear with me. Firstly, there is solid evidence that their ultimate doomsday plan involves a chance that we might all fall prey to death from peanut allergies. As one might see on Google Maps, the portal is located in close proximity to Madison Square Park, notorious for its peanut-shaped walkways and hordes of hungry pigeons. If you can recall the 1980s crop circles made on farming fields, Madison Square Park looks identical to these crop circles, besides the fact that it is peanut-shaped. You might remember from those elementary school peanut-free cupcakes that peanut allergies are one of the most common allergies in America, so these goobers are basically symbols of death. Although scientists back then weren’t able to figure out the true meaning behind the crop circles of the 1980s, the professors at OIT are fairly confident that the aliens are suggesting a malicious plan to infect us all, no matter our original peanut allergy status, with hives, swollen throats, and delirious dreams about fighting Mr. Peanut. Anyways, another piece of evidence, if you still aren’t convinced, is found in the background history of Dublin. Here, I must disclaim that the portal may be connected to Dublin, Ireland, but, as we all know through and through, America is basically the only country that actually exists, so we’ve set our sights on Dublin, North Carolina instead. According to our Googling, this wonderful American city is also sometimes referred to as the “Peanut Capital of the South” as a result of their annual Dublin Peanut Festival, which is apparently known for its boiled peanuts. Could it be possible that the aliens had wanted to link Dublin to NYC in order to cause mass destruction due to the ungodly sight of boiled peanuts? There’s more to their master plan, which also involves the storage of their doomsday weapon in a… 65-foot-long hot dog in Times Square?

Compared to the portal, the giant hot dog seems to have tame intentions—at first glance, it’s just a literal giant hot dog that randomly shoots out confetti. But the professors have reason to believe that the aliens have pulled off a psychological tactic to avoid the discovery of their doomsday weapon, specifically designed for our degenerate mindsets. After interviewing multiple Sesame Street characters whose costumes were faintly recognizable, we learned that the average Times Squarian has started to worship the hot dog because it was a symbol of NYC pride. One extremely beat-up man in a furry wolf costume and a piece of confetti stuck to his chin kept screeching over and over, “THE DAWG HAS GLITTER Y’ALL. aWOOOOooOooO THE ALPHA MALE DEMANDS GLITTER.” Although we aren’t sure what to think of the man in the furry wolf costume, our team of OIT professors derived from these interviews that the aliens have started to play dirty by taking full advantage of our 10-second-long attention spans. We attempted to reverse the hot dog’s effects by showing passersby some gameplay of Subway Surfers in their peripheral view, but the manipulation had already been done. We researchers also attempted to identify the purpose behind the seemingly random burst of confetti shot out of the hot dog everyday at noon. We observed that the confetti had attracted many nearby white-collar workers to NYC’s hot dog carts. This observation seemed suspicious, to say the least. True Americans know that only tourists, who might even be from outer space, buy goods from these overpriced carts that have an estimated annual climate footprint of 3.0 x 10^8 kg of CO2. This brings us to our conclusion that the alien invasion has already begun to take over the office workers of Times Square, perhaps as a way to scope out the environment on Earth before deciding whether humans are worth invading. However, it seems that even though these aliens have already made so much progress as to infect the minds of workers, they haven’t used their 65-foot-long peanut doomsday device. Everything looks to have lined up perfectly for the execution of their plan, so why the delay?

The answer to this question is actually pretty simple if we observe the behavior of the human race. The aliens might’ve thought to exploit our gullible and shallow human nature, but they hadn’t expected that our behavior is actually way worse. The portal, for instance, had to be shut down six days after its first day open because its original use turned into an additional domain for Dance Dance Revolution, allegedly leading to one New Yorker being sent to the hospital stuck in a split and the virtual arrest of a Dublin citizen by the NYPD. What’s worse is the sheer number of people in Times Square getting run over by cars, other pedestrians, and pigeons alike while attempting to capture a 0.5 shot of the large hot dog. The installation of the hot dog itself somehow tripled the already-high number of accidents. Judging from the aliens’ tactic of taking over the bodies of Times Square’s white-collar workers, the increased rate of accidents worked to lower the number of available host humans, which is a very unfavorable result. We believe that the aliens have stopped any further continuation of their peanut-centered doomsday plan because of the unprecedented levels of human stupidity and brainrot. In conclusion, the most effective way to further dissuade alien motivation to invade is to increase our collective levels of brainrot in NYC. Despite not knowing what originally inspired their motivation to invade, we believe that we will be able to repel any current and future interests the aliens may have on Earth.

Although our research team at OIT will continue to investigate the scene, we ask that you, as a proud New Yorker, attempt to increase your individual hours spent doomscrolling to inflate your exposure to internet brainrot. Do your part to fight against the peanut-obsessed aliens! Good luck, and we hope you don’t get run over by a pigeon in Times Square!