THE CRICKET-PEEP RETURNS.

Last year, some schmuck allegedly released an orchestra of crickets onto the first floor, and they proceeded to hop on every viola, violin, cello, and bass on sight. This event was so ridiculous that, like every other absurd news story, it passed around the school like a game of telephone; the original tale was transmitted to many individuals and warped into several different scenarios via gossip. The story reached every corner of the student body except The Spectator Editorial Board. Then, it caused many students to throw their hands in the air and declare that it was all a fallacy because the truth was incapable of being discovered. Everyone promptly forgot about it.

This year, the schmuck returned with something even more problematic, wreaking even greater havoc which could not be swept underneath the carpet: the spirits of leprechauns. Not even the schmuck anticipated that they would receive more than they bargained for when these leprechaun spirits mischievously floated away from the half-floor and into the classrooms of the floors above.

“We can’t float up to Heaven, but the 10th floor of Stuyvesant High School is the next best thing,” chuckled one spirit, as the others purposely spilled paint all over the area, spelling “U R AN APRIL FOOL, LOL” as far as the eye could see. Another mocked illustrations of his relatives in a thick volume of Irish folklore. “I lepre-cannot even right now,” cackled the spirits, throwing it out of the sixth floor window as students exclaimed in horror.

“Madonna mia!” cried a student, pulling out a rosary and pieces of garlic from her lunch before quoting several Hail Marys. Her friend would’ve smacked her in the face for her stupidity (“That only works on VAMPIRES,” you dummy!), but she was so frightened that she joined her friend in their stupidity, so they stupidly grabbed onto one another and wailed in unison.

Physics teacher Daisy Sharaf was having none of this supernatural nonsense. After she ensured the safety of her students, she left the room and placed a cat talisman in the form of a pendant around her neck, for it would take the power of nine lives to fully wrap one’s head around even a fraction of leprechaun claptrap. She grabbed a megaphone and summoned every leprechaun spirit to the half-floor. Though none of them were known to be obedient, their curiosity got the better of them as they giddily gathered in a spirited clump.

“Be ready to be GREEN WITH ENVY!” She held a sweet, green-colored concoction in her other hand. One of the leprechaun spirits gasped.

“Oh my god. It’s the legendary…” they squealed.

“...SHAMROCK SHAKE!” The rest of the crowd finished the sentence.

“Give it to me!”

“I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY GOLD FOR. A. SIP.”

“THE HOLY ELIXIR OF EARTH THAT MAKES LIVING ON IT WORTHWHILE.”

“BE QUIET!” Sharaf exclaimed. “Okay, so the McDonald’s down the street is selling these—”

She didn’t even finish her sentence before the horde stampeded out the door, never to be seen again.

As for the schmuck? Well, the schmuck’s a second term senior now, so nobody cares, honestly.