The End of Wokeness

Troubled by setbacks in state education reform, Governor Ron DeSantis recently announced a new approach to speed up the Florida Education Department’s roll-out of a new curriculum. Our reporters went to gauge the state’s reaction to his decision.

“The state legislators have informed the math teachers that everything we’ve been teaching is wrong. We’ve been instructed to take the current curriculum and teach the opposite,” explained Kathryn Gorman, an eighth-grade math teacher from Miami. “According to the Department of Education, teaching future voters to think logically could endanger our governor’s political prospects. I’m not entirely sure how I’ll tell my students that two plus two equals five with a straight face. Luckily, they won’t see my facial expressions, because the local school board has decided that everyone entering school grounds has to wear a full face mask. They felt triggered by the student body’s diversity.”

Science teacher Anthony Gonzalez expressed concern about the lack of clear instructions for STEM classes. “Florida officials rejected all of the proposed math and science textbooks because of forbidden content including critical race theory. As a result, we’re short on materials for our students. However, the Department of Education is working on new, Florida-specific math and science textbooks. I had a chance to look at the biology textbook, and the section on the Garden of Eden was especially interesting.”

Fifth-grade teacher Mary Allison added, “The drastic changes to the curriculum are making me a little nervous. On top of that, social-emotional learning, which in my experience helps students connect with their peers, was recently banned. Fortunately, the government handed out a pamphlet with a list of permitted activities for student bonding, including daily Bible discussions, book burnings, and the recitation of a modified Pledge of Allegiance, which goes as follows: ‘I pledge allegiance to DeSantis and the majestic state of Florida, and to the Dictatorship for which they stand, one state under DeSantis, indivisible, with liberty and justice for straight, white, Christian men.’”

Though many teachers seem concerned by the new direction Florida’s schools are taking, DeSantis assured our reporters that it’s all part of God’s plan. “All we’re doing is providing students with the other side of the story,” DeSantis declared. “Slavery has been described by liberals as a universal evil, but I feel that viewpoint is one-dimensional. Woke indoctrination in education has got to go! That’s why under my guidance, Florida officials have rejected so many textbooks. We plan to replace them with new textbooks and PragerU videos, which are both certified conservative indoctrination. As for banning AP Psychology, I’ll tell you a little secret: I don’t really care about the course; I just can’t have anyone diagnosing me and claiming that I’m unfit for public office.”

Later on, Desantis shared his upcoming plans: “After overhauling the public school system, the DeSantis administration will turn its attention to defunding libraries, disenfranchising minority voters, and criminalizing the use of solar panels. Florida will never be the same, for better or for worse!”