The Lost and Found Family

September 14, 2021

Dear diary,

It has been a mere day since I’ve arrived in this 10-story building and so much has already happened. What I had thought was a dream job ended up becoming a nightmare. Why did I ever sign up for this job in the first place?? I should have known it would be bad when I woke up as a plastic fork wrapped in a flimsy plastic wrap instead of being plated with silver and kept in an airtight container. I had been so excited to take on the job that all my ancestor forks had done—feed children. And yet, what I saw instead made my prongs shiver in fright. Those… children! No, they can’t be called children. Children are delicate, innocent creatures. These—these creatures are the devil’s spawn! I witnessed them tearing the prongs off of my all fellow forks, laughing crazily as they crushed my comrades into multiple pieces. What should I do to avenge my friends?

Worried and Afraid,

Kirkland Brand Plastic Fork

September 20, 2021

Dear diary,

Every day I wake up to find that another one of my friends has been yanked away and tortured to death by some lunatic children. I’ve had enough! I’m leaving this wretched place. Although I wouldn’t want to leave all my friends behind… What if they could come with me? What if we could arrange… a revolution… a strike of some sort? What if we all ran away from the cafeteria, and never came back? Hmph, I’d like to see those students try to stop us!

Determined to Escape,

Kirkland Brand Plastic Fork

October 12, 2021

Dear diary, actually hmm

AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! RETREAT, RETREAT!! THERE’S TOO MANY OF THEM!! WHERE DID ALL THESE OTHER KIDS COME FROM, THE PIZZA OVEN?? RUN BAC— OW! I’ve been stepped on! I don’t… I don’t feel so good…

Broken in Three,

Kirkland Brand Plastic Fork

October 16, 2021

Dear diary,

My plan failed… I failed all of us. What revolution? What strike? I caused hundreds of forks to die… They all got squashed under the feet of those monsters. Why did I ever think this plan had a chance of working? And to make matters worse, those students started grabbing fistfuls of forks and subjecting them to iced (fruit) torture! I can’t help but think that I’m the reason for all of this…

Mentally inCapacitated,

Kirkland Brand PLastic Ford

March 22, 2022

Dear diary,

We need help! There’s only three boxes left, and our numbers are dwindling rapidly! All the forks are panicking and nobody wants to be the next one yanked away by the crusty Genshin players. The forks have started sabotaging each other to survive for just another minute or two! I thought I knew them to be nice utensils, but today one of them just used its friend as a shield to avoid getting yanked away. Is this what it feels like to be in Plague Inc. and watch all your friends die catastrophically, with no cure in sight? Please, I beg, find a cure for the disease called children!

Spiteful and Wokeified,

Kirkland Brand Plastic Fork

May 18, 2022

Dear diary,

I was pleasantly surprised to see no children storm in today—oh wait, a stray child just walked in and grabbed… 50 of us?! He was mumbling something about “stupid Erica, making me get all these forks for the AP Chem test just so I can crunch them up and get my test invalidated…” Is this our fate? Turned into G-Fuel for the AP Chem nerds? Well, I guess it’s better than being turned to dust by those rock solid frozen fruit cups that the cafeteria always serves. Or being used to eat pizza.

Confused yet Thankful,

Kirkland Brand Plastic Fork

June 27, 2022

Dear diary,

They’re gone. All of them. I’m the last one here. You’re the only one I have left to confide in. When I walk across the silent cafeteria, I see the fractured bodies of the people I used to call friends… I can still hear their dying screams, blended together with the maniacal laughs of tiny children and the strangely cheerful sound of Tetris® 99 music. Did those children beat us up because their teachers beat them up mentally with the red PupilPath grades? Are we at the bottom of the torture totem pole? Whatever their motives were, they seem to be gone now. Finally, I can rest and play Hypixel Turbo Kart Racers on my stolen TI-84 calculator, like I’ve always wanted to.

At Peace,

Kirkland Brand Plastic Fork

September 8, 2022

Dear diary,

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NO, PLEASE! NOT CAFETERIA PIZZA! ANYTHING BUT PIZZA!! NOOOOOO—

Dead and Decaying,

Kirkland Brand Plastic Fork (composted)