The Movies of Hot Girl Summer

Summer 2023 is finally over, and if you were brave enough to step foot outside your house, chances are you took a trip to the movie theater. These past few months have been packed with blockbuster movies, from Barbenheimer to…wait, what other movies were there? Doesn’t matter, because we’re here to provide you with our well-informed, factually correct movie reviews (definitely not stolen from IMDb).

Barbie:

I had a blast watching this. “I’m Just Ken” is a bop (every other song is overrated) and pink is my favorite color. I didn’t really understand the whole “feminism” thing though; it sort of came out of nowhere and, as a man, I felt personally attacked. I think I would have preferred the movie to be centered around Ken (A.K.A. the ultimate Alpha Male). He may have brought the patriarchy to Barbie Land, but I really don’t think he did anything wrong. Give him back his Mojo Dojo Casa House.

The Little Mermaid:

It was basically just the same as the animated version but an hour longer. Thankfully the colorful CGI fish were able to hold my five-minute attention span. Halle Bailey did a great job given that she spent 95 percent of the movie surrounded by green screens (maybe some movies are just meant to be animated…). That’s about all I can say because Awkafina started rapping and my ears bled off, so that kind of ruined the whole thing for me. Also, my man Sebastian was distastefully represented and I will be suing for emotional damage. He is supposed to be a LOBSTER. 

Spiderman: Across the Spider-verse:

There were too many Spidermans and I got confused. Stick to one at a time maybe? Just my expert opinion; after all I do use IMDb as my preferred social media platform. Also, Tom Holland looks a little different in this one. The mom was hot, though. 

Anyway, the worst thing about this movie isn’t the cliffhanger ending or the lack of Batman—it’s the way I keep getting sexy Miguel O’Hara edits on my explore page. Please stop; he is not a “little guy babygirl,” he is a grown man and is full of homicidal rage directed toward literal children. Get it together, everybody.

Elemental:

Boring. Overdone. We’ve seen it a thousand times before. The guy with one brain cell and the girl with a “fiery” temper find each other and the rest is history. Boo. Get a new dynamic. Would he even love her if she was a worm? Methinks not! Fireboy and Watergirl live-action seems to have gotten a little mixed up in the making. That being said, I still cried through the last 20 minutes of the film.

Oppenheimer:

10/10! Loved it. I particularly enjoyed the scene where Oppenheimer says “I’m going Oppenheimer mode,” and proceeds to destroy the fabric of the economy like the silly goose he is. They call him the father of the atomic bomb but I call him daddy. My only con is that I thought Margot Robbie was supposed to be in this one?

There you have it: everything you need to know about the films of 2023. If you disagree with our opinions, you’re wrong. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to spend the rest of the year waiting for Ryan Gosling to respond to our fan mail.