The Pinnacle of Time Management

With the APs quickly approaching, many Stuyvesant students have their noses buried in test-prep books as if they were searching for a second-term senior’s commitment to school. Others completely replace studying with the time-honored tactic of not studying. Sophomore Andrew Werner, on the other hand, has brought his third-best idea—after his wildly successful Flag Rugby team and Satanic Ritual club—to fruition: a time machine. “This machine will revolutionize the way students study for history tests. We can watch history like we watch Netflix,” Werner said.

AP World History teacher Zachary Berman gave his thoughts on Werner’s creation: “While it’s a marvel of science, a time machine simply isn’t practical. History is long, and events like the Attack of the Clones require context and 30 shekels to fully understand. A better application of the time machine may be to actively change history so you can’t possibly get anything wrong on the AP test!” Berman proceeded to wear off his caffeine high by spinning around like a Sufi.

While altering the past seems tempting, telling yourself from the beginning of the semester to prepare a textbook-sized outline to cram the night before the test seems more practical. Anyway, the odds of riding along with Werner are slim since the whole sophomore class is clamoring for a seat like it’s an open computer at the printing station, so good luck!