The Real Reason Behind Contreras’s Renounced Resignation

Thousands of Stuyvesant students sat dumbfounded on September 7, 2018 as they pored over the e-mail containing Principal Eric Contreras’s decision to remain as principal.

But why would he remain in this land of mass depression for years to come? And how did he pull any of this off?

The answer is not simply his love for the school.

This was the result of a social experiment. And we all fell for it.

You see, the school year of 2017-2018 was particularly abysmal and gloomy, partly due to events like the terrorist attack, the Soph-Frosh stage collapse, and my acceptance into The Spectator. With such an atmosphere, two assistant principals had decided to call it quits.

“Stuyvesant is supposed to be a place full of young scholars,” Contreras remarked. “After seeing the past school year, I realized all there is to this school is a bunch of overgrown, ungrateful middle schoolers who make the same overused, upsetting jokes. I mean, instead of joking about sleep, work, and suicidal ideation, why don’t they just complain about the various types of graffiti on desks like the ones in Room 229? Even a reenactment of KSI vs. Logan Paul would be nice around here!”

Without future plans for the school, Contreras knew he had to make students interested in something again. After taking a dip in the pool (“I really love swimming,” he told a Spectator reporter who didn’t care), he thought of one possibility that could get people’s attention immediately: a social experiment.

“It only took me about two months to figure this out,” Contreras added. “After some quick Bing searches of ‘great social experiment ideas,’ I stumbled upon one about resigning. In my situation, this was genius: not only would I be scaring thousands of children, but I would also make actual headlines because of how supposedly prestigious my job is! So I had to make an entire backstory about how I got a new job called the Senior Executive Director of Curriculum, Construction, and Professional Learning at the New York City Department of Education! This isn’t even a real job, but I made it believable with the long, buzzword title. Damn, I am smart.”

With his backstory in place, he announced his resignation on August 27. Stuyvesant students’ e-mails were flooded with this news, which received many reactions from even more demoralized pupils.

“He was such a great guy,” junior Ryan Alwi wept. “I remembered when he interviewed my club for no reason and forgot the details afterward. I think I speak for all of us when I say he was kind of like a father with, thankfully, no biological connection to me.”

In the midst of so much media and student attention, Contreras knew that his plan was working in full swing. His pupils were all saddened by the news, and the media was making all sorts of articles about his inevitable departure. All he needed was the right time to renounce this resignation, and he would be able to reap the reward of seeing people’s reactions to his sudden decision.

Fortunately for him, The Spectator released a front page article about his resignation during the first week of school.

That was when Contreras knew it was time for him to have a final bit of fun in his affairs: he was going to prank The Spectator and show that they weren’t reliable like InfoWars.

Soon after its publication, Contreras wrote a brief letter stating his decision to stay.

This received immense amounts of backlash from the News Department and politicians.

“Erin [Lee] and I worked for a decent part of the summer on this article,” power-hungry snake and Spectator News editor Maddy Andersen said. “I can’t believe that he would ruin my credibility and chance at becoming Editor-in-Chief just like that!”

“Oh, come on,” Mayor Bill de Blasio stated. “I really thought that with him gone, I could finally go through with my plan of adding economically privileged people of color to specialized high schools! Now what am I going to do? Find a practical solution to diversify Stuyvesant and desegregate the school system without penalizing hardworking middle schoolers? That would raise my approval ratings! Why in my right mind would I not want to have some of the lowest approval ratings? It’s a record that makes my mommy proud!”

As more students spoke of this news, Contreras posted a mildly deep fried news meme stating “SIKE CHIEF Y’ALL REALLY THOUGHT LMAOO” in the Dear Incoming Stuyvesant Class of 2020...WE HAVE ADVICE! group using junior Adrian Dickson’s Facebook account (for unknown reasons) to respond to any feedback he might receive.