The Spec Roasts: Staten Island

In light of the recent Staten Island posts in the Dear Incoming Class of 2022 Facebook group, we believe it’s important for everyone to finally give Staten Island the rumination it deserves. Michelle Chen, this one’s for you:

* First, let’s get this straight. What is Staten Island? Upon extensive research, we’ve found that Staten Island is actually not a type of fancy cheese or a dog breed, but the four other boroughs’ weird uncle from whom your parents tell you to stay away.

* Staten Island has three things: fast food places for people to get fat, gyms for people to burn off the fat (used only during the first week of the year), and spray tanning salons for people to do their weekly Trump tribute.

* It was originally the world’s largest landfill until the Democrats of NYC decided they also needed a place to dump all the Italians, druggies, and racists in a great cultural melting pot. Well, I guess nothing much has changed.

* Not only were Staten Islanders left out of civilized society, but they were also left out of the specialized high school craze until they copied Brooklyn Tech’s homework and changed a couple of things to avoid making it obvious.

* The annual NYC marathon is literally people running away from Staten Island.

* Staten Island is like the one friend who stops to tie his shoes and gets left behind.

* There’s a street on the island named Weed Avenue. We’ll let you guess what goes on there.

* As Staten Island’s most (and probably only) famous native, Pete Davidson has said on SNL:

* “When Hurricane Sandy hit Staten Island, I wish it finished the job.”

* “If Staten Island is so desirable, why is it free to get there?”

* The College of Staten Island has a 100 percent acceptance rate.

* The railway station I live near is called Great Kills, and the other areas are called Fresh Kills and Arthur Kill. They’re the safest parts of SI, so you can guess what goes on in the other areas.

* Staten Island has such a low IQ that every. Single. Street. Restaurant. Whatever. Is called Richmond Valley or Richmond Parkway or Richmond Avenue or Richmond Hill Road because they can’t think of anything else.

* Staten Islanders go to the mall more times in one week than they think to wake up early enough to get to work without complaining about traffic.

* The more northward you go, the more enlightened the population becomes as you get closer to civilization.

* The express bus out of there is $6.75. Inference: the worse the place is, the more it costs to escape.

* It is estimated that at some point, the deer will take over Staten Island (which would probably make for a more educated voting bloc).

* The only things that ever originated in Staten Island were the kidnapping clowns.

* The North Shore is made up entirely of those scary orange gangsters who are so high all the time that if they ever found one of those infamous clowns or deer, they would try to high five it. The South Shore is made up entirely of white Trump supporters who think that 9 + 10 is 21.

This report is brought to you by native Staten Islanders.