The Stuyvesant Purge

The administration just unveiled a new annual event meant to relieve stress and suffering caused by college admissions results, approaching AP exams, and the general existence of a Stuy kid on April 3, 2022. This event, named the Stuyvesant Purge (or “the Purge” for short), calls for a suspension of all rules from third to eighth period. It serves as an outlet for students’ murderous rage so that they don’t release it during normal school hours. This event is backed by science; according to graduate of Harvard School of Malpractice Doktor Limbloss, “Teenagers can find freedom from their raging hormones through law-breaking. I myself have found that murder is a most euphoric experience and highly recommend that teenagers try it.”

During the Purge, around one-third of the student body had skipped school, resulting in unexcused absences and confusion among parents. WeChat saw a 3000 percent increase in activity as parents rushed to their phones to discuss the fact that their children were coming home six hours early.

The students that remained took advantage of their freedom. Handlebarmus-Tash the Third had planned for this day, spending his Purge time pushing faculty members to their limits. “I brought a bag of headphones to irritate the deans,” he reported. “Around 12:30 p.m., one of them saw me with earbuds in. He just kept staring at me with a face of pure malice while I dug through my bag to find my other five pairs of earbuds and headphones, testing them all to figure out which one had the best audio quality. I think he wanted to stand there until the Purge was over so he could confiscate them.”

Thousands more incidents were recorded, all ultimately resulting in more than $1.8 million worth of property damage. Contributing factors included students overcrowding and subsequently breaking the elevators, starting fires in lockers using rice cookers, and trying to break the skylight in the cafeteria using a catapult built by the robotics team. One notable instance of damage was the the destruction of the sophomore bar by AP Environmental Science freshmen, inspired by Mr. McClellan explaining how “dirty bombs” work. (It’s using dynamite to detonate nuclear waste, in case you were wondering ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).) The sixth floor is now off-limits due to radiation, and nine students have been hospitalized with acute radiation sickness. However, all of the hospitalized students are sophomores, so it’s not a major loss.

Overall, this event was considered a huge success by both the administration and student body. Despite the huge damages and expenses, many students who were surveyed said that they experienced a sense of catharsis during the Purge. Edward Cullen Sr. reported feeling exhausted after chasing freshmen with a baseball bat, but still thought that “it was exhilarating watching them run away screaming!” Cullen then added, “I haven’t gotten that much exercise in ages! I hope I can chase people with blunt objects in college!” Faculty members also enjoyed the day, saying that they “loved watching students beat each other up.” Many of them placed bets on fights and cheered when their least favorite kids got absolutely wrecked. The Purge has overall greatly improved the mental health of everyone at Stuyvesant and will most likely become a treasured tradition in years to come.