The Stuyvesant Scandal That Escalated Too Quickly

[Diane Walters]: Good evening everyone! This is Diane Walters from Channel 4 News. We bring you this broadcast in light of new information—it has recently been reported that alarmed officials have temporarily closed off Stuyvesant High School’s basement. Shocking reports detail the discovery of a series of “giant, human-sized hamster wheels” connected to the school’s escalators by an elaborate system of pulleys and duct tape. Apparently, said hamster wheels were responsible for powering the school’s escalators for days on end. Now to our field reporter, Alicia Edwards.

[Alicia Edwards]: Thank you, Diane. I am standing outside the premises of Stuyvesant High School as we speak. I’ve learned that suspicions were first raised when Principal Yu penalized the entire JV cross-country track team with daily after-school detentions following a second place finish in a recent tournament. Members of the administration also mentioned how unwilling Principal Yu was to comment on his bizarre decision. Standing here is the head of the JV cross-country team, Oscar Lewis, who will provide more information about his experience.

“I didn’t know what we were going into on the first day of detention. When we got there, Principal Yu gave us a speech about how maintaining the school’s escalators was the students’ duty. He went on to explain all the things he would do if we were to refuse to help with powering the escalators… and how great a recommendation letter from the principal would look.”

It’s terrible, Diane. Numerous members of the JV team have suffered from debilitating chronic fibrosis trying to ensure that the escalators continue running, and additional reports show that their parents are worried about noticeable behavioral changes: cravings for wheat and extremely frequent pooping are some of the most common. These are all signs that the students were slowly turning into hamsters, but Principal Yu repeatedly insisted that wheat was healthy and the students were becoming more fit. Other members shared that Principal Yu had allegedly promised that everyone on the team would be awarded with prioritized schedule changes for their hard work. However, Lewis complained that immediately after his second floor Global Studies class was tenth floor Drafting despite his repeated requests for a change. My heart goes out to the victims of this dreadful tragedy. Back to you, Diane.

[Diane Walters]: Thank you, Alicia. We now bring to you this audio clip that’s been unearthed by our media team. I’ve been told it’s a recording of the NYC school chancellor, David C. Banks, talking to his administration about the scandal.

“It’s an embarrassment that they got caught. Principal Yu’s idea of using kids to run the escalators was genius. When I got the cost savings report from the school, I was amazed by how much they had saved on electricity. Yu is a hero.”

As we bring you this broadcast, it’s been reported that the Department of Education is in the process of releasing an official statement showing their support of Principal Yu, praising his conduct and pushing for other schools to adopt this new method of saving money and abusing students.

Personally Alicia, I think that the DOE has gone too far this time. They were toeing the line earlier with the online-learning snow days and the in-school regents week, but this obliterates it. Additionally, what were they thinking using recreational “Bumper Balls” rather than the highly cost-efficient “Zorb” balls? Rookie mistake.

This is Diane Walters, from Channel 4 News. See you next week, New York.