The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Life of a Humor Writer

Have you ever wondered what goes on in the minds of Spectator Humor writers? Have you ever wondered where they get their ridiculous ideas? Or why the Humor department isn’t always on the front page? You haven’t? Well, too bad, because I can answer the first two of those questions. Without further ado, here is my tumultuous journey as a writer for the Humor department. Strap in, folks, because we’re going to hit this from the back.

My day begins with waking up and checking my phone for notifications. I normally expect some texts from my editors, Reddit updates, and news on the next G.I. Jane movie. Afterward, I send my girlfriend a “Good Morning!” message along with an “I love you!” Then, I take my schizophrenia medication and head to the bathroom. I freshen up, get dressed, and commence my prayer routine. As a Humor writer, I’m required to pray to our lord and savior, Pete Davidson. We look up to Pete Davidson because he’s an excellent reminder that no matter how much your face looks like it was put into a blender, you can still be successful.

We’re going to fast forward through the school day because, honestly, nothing interesting happens (unless my misery in AP Chemistry is amusing to you). Every two weeks after school, I attend a Spec Humor meeting, which consists of the editors buying us free food and trying their best to not die from laughter whenever I suggest an “inappropriate,” “out of taste,” or “blasphemous” article idea.

For disciplinary reasons, I had to stay behind after one of these meetings was over. But for what reasons? Well, apparently it’s “out of line” to write a fanfiction about Mr. Moran acting out the “Dirty Dancin’” plot with Principal Yu in their offices. When my punishment for writing that “heinous” and “unsanitary” article was over, I made my way home to write the sequel.

What’s it about, you may ask? Well, let’s just say that sparks can fly between rats too. The next article will be the ultimate telling of a rat who falls in love with a female rat, but they cannot be together because they come from families that hate each other. Before you ask, yes—it’s called Rodenteo and Juliet.