The Truth Behind Each Spectator Department

Having infiltrated The Spectator as a writer over half a year ago, I know all about the shady dealings that the editors don’t want you to know about. That said, it is my privilege to deliver the cold, honest truth to y’all about each department involved in this paper in hopes that you will not have to endure the suffering I have to. Stay woke #speciscorrupt.

News Department

Although composed almost entirely of fake or irrelevant news, the News section, tragically, is perhaps the only section that most students read glance at. The reason for their astounding amount of skims is quite obvious: they’re always on the front page (angery reaccs only).

As the only department with legitimate viewers, News writers tend to be more extra about writing articles compared to nearly every non-Features department. Thanks to their influence in the school, at least one or two people actually fill out their Google forms.

Features Department

Features writers are generally approachable, but mention the News department to them, and they either a) cry b) get flippin’ hostile c) cry AND get flippin’ hostile. Most writers in this department write while eating halal food on a bench near the Hudson River, where they more or less pull off unfunny Spec Humor articles.

Loyal readers glancers often get confused as to why they need to know about topics such as a teacher’s favorite qualities in a student, Stuyvesant’s most beloved water fountain, or the background checks performed on our janitors. Nonetheless, the Features department provides invaluable content, especially for the New York Post.

Editorial Board

Ya boi’ll lose his job if I talk about this. That’s all I’m gonna say.

Opinions Department

Despite receiving significantly fewer glances than News, the Opinions department is “magically” the most respected department in The Spectator (angriest reacc) thanks to its supposedly intelligent material.

Opinions writers often meticulously write their articles at some liberal coffee shop (usually Starbucks), using credible sources such as a novice policy debater’s debate case or some freshman’s Model UN position paper.

Although they put an admirable amount of effort, Opinions writers often fail to understand that people are simply uninterested in reading articles that are longer than a Common App essay.

Arts and Entertainment

The Arts and Entertainment department’s role is really self explanatory. Articles typically cover things that you’ve probably never heard of, such as reviews of artisanal coffee beans that have been breast fed by the earth goddess herself and sung Himalayan lullabies since they were only saplings.

As a ripoff Opinions department, whenever this department is faced with the word “Opinions,” writers react in a fashion similar to Features writers hearing about the News department.

Being the least overshadowed department compared to other heavily overshadowed departments (I see you Copy), Arts and Entertainment writers are pure enigmas that must have somehow gotten lost on their way to LaGuardia.

Humor Department

Interestingly, there’s actually little to nothing wrong with this department (#bestdept). And I’m not just saying that because of the NDA I signed upon joining. Long story short, it’s a bunch of sadbois who look at normie memes for inspiration to use in their articles.

Sports Department

Although it features the least relevant content in the entire newspaper, this department’s articles ironically get more viewers than most other departments, second only to News. Most of their glances occur on the Tribeca bridge, when students fleeing the school accidentally catch a word printed on the back of a mangled copy.

Sports viewership recently skyrocketed to one, courtesy of Senator of Ohio John Kasich, who was trying to track down Stuyvesant’s next Friday football game. The more persistent Spectator glancers often scratch their heads in confusion because the terminology used in these articles is more cumbersome than a complex calculus test. However, the Sports department’s material is considered to be vital to student athletes and is allowed to keep operating.

All Non-Writing Departments

The non-writing departments are like Santa’s endlessly laboring elves, except the recognition they receive in non-existent. Long story short: Business consists of power-hungry capitalists, Copy is just itching to decapitate you with an em dash, Photo’s biggest dream is to make it big on Tumblr, Art is a bunch of tortured souls yearning to frolic through fields of gold, Layout is Suffering, and Web is a bunch of silent IT guys (seriously, where are they??? Who are they??? What do they know about my browser history???)