The TRUTH Behind Your AP Exam

AP exams are consumed by Stuy students en masse. When most people think of an AP exam, they think of an organic, brain-stimulating alternative to other subpar standardized tests such as the Regents. We believe it to be the only happiness of our high school experience that we are able to obtain legally.

I’m here to expose the truth. I was totally not blackmailed by my editors to break into the boxes of AP exams and get rid of their bad tests and replace them with good ones. But, for reasons that I will not disclose, I do have a good number of completed AP exams on my desk right now. The pile is so heavy. Now, I will reveal their true components. The truth? They’re not as great as you think they are.

AP WORLD

Okay, so this looks like the one that I took. I don’t want to look at it again. Can you wait a little bit? I just need to get something before we continue. Crap. Ow. Why do I have so many sharp things in my bag. Is that a frog? How did that get there? Dang, this thing is a mess—found it!

All right, so now I have a blindfold on. I get that it might not allow me to give you all the information on what’s inside the AP World exam, but I will try my best.

The paper feels disgusting. I can sense the tears I cried on it when I remembered that I still had to go to classes afterwards.

A common misconception about the AP World exam, as well as other history tests, is that they are sourced from modern times. However, there is clearly significant frozen material from what we in the AP business call “Periods 1 and 2.” Instead of fresh, modern human history, we get an essay prompt on whether a large enough stack of T-Rexes could have stopped the K-T extinction event or not.

The claims made by the College Board about quality ingredients are also, pardon my language, a load of horseradish. While they claim the exam has quality ingredients sourced from Barron’s textbooks, they instead get the rotten green leftover history from those textbooks.

AP PHYSICS C

This test is incredibly processed, artificial, and disgusting, but it is of my opinion that if you decide to take a physics AP, you kinda deserve a disgusting exam. If you somehow find the subject of physics interesting enough that you decide to take an Advanced Placement exam dedicated solely to its existence, then you deserve to be thrown into the ugly formulas and preservatives of the AP Physics C exam.

AP SPANISH

The test itself is incredibly average in terms of stress. However, studies have shown that the reason why the AP Spanish exam, as well as all other language tests, is considered average instead of “time-to-die” in terms of stress is simply because Gen-Z students now live in a time and place where the Duolingo owl can come to your house at 11:55 p.m. and make you fight to the death in a competition of conjugation in order to save your family from an intricate death trap. Also, we now have Google Translate.

Compared to that nightmare, any AP Language exam is a breeze. Overall, you would get a better deal from a free language app than from an AP exam that you have to pay $100 just to take and another $20 just to dip.

AP MUSIC THEORY

For an exam called AP Music, the content does not represent anything that could be considered listenable music. It is just full of nerdy and indie stuff like Bach and Pachelbel or whatever. Who cares? Now, if the test required you to study TRUE music legends like Big Time Rush, well, it would have so much more merit. It would become an exam truly deserving of being taken by Stuyvesant High School students. Like, imagine: instead of learning dumb notes and scales or whatever, you could be learning about how no one realized that Miley Stewart looked exactly like Hannah Montana. (Seriously, her only “disguise” was a wig! It’s not like someone becomes totally unrecognizable when they dye their hair!)

AP COMPUTER SCIENCE

I got electrocuted by this AP exam. 5/10, would not recommend if you still have a will to live.

AP FRESHMAN BIOLOGY

Okay, so this one is in a plastic package saying “BIOHAZARD,” but hey, it can’t mean anything bad, right?

So I’m gonna open this—oh God, why is it glowing—and I’m going to look at it. I deserve a raise.

All right, on three. One, two, thre—AGGAHAGAHGAGAHAHGAGAKHELPMEPLEA.