The Turkeys Strike Back

Richard Rifleman, a proud turkey hunter and a stereotypical American, hunts for his Thanksgiving meal every year. It’s a tradition, and this year is no exception. He has packed everything one would need for this job: weapons, traps, bait, and a chihuahua named Coco that has a biting problem. He is no stranger to this game. In the past, he’s done whatever it takes to acquire a turkey. From dressing up as a turkey and infiltrating their ranks to hiring hitmen and taking out birds (and subsequently getting in trouble with the Italian mafia), he’s seen everything—or at least he thinks he has.

He follows the same path every year. The journey is serene; the only sounds are those of the rustling of leaves in the trees, the soft padding of wildlife running across the forest floor, and Coco barking, because he also has a barking problem. Richard enjoys the forest’s ambient noises. It’s calming and quiet. He notices that Coco has quieted, but ignores it—he has probably tired himself out. Richard continues on, but is startled by a squawk. To his right are two marvelously round turkeys. Richard and his family will eat well this year. Grinning from ear to ear, he takes aim, watching the crosshairs line up.

“We need to stay vigilant.”

Confused, Richard puts his gun down. Who said that? There’s no one around him, but the voice continues. “No one else will get hurt, so long as we do our job.” Richard turns around once, twice, three times, searching for the voice’s source. It seems to be coming from the direction of the turkeys. But why aren’t they scared away by the noise? They’re just standing there, opening and closing their beaks…

Are the turkeys talking? But turkeys can’t talk? And yet, right before him are two turkeys deep in conversation.

“Are you sure about this? Doesn’t the idea of attacking a person scare you, just even a little bit?”

Richard freezes. The turkeys are attacking people?

“Of course it does. But they deserve it! They’ve been massacring our people for centuries, all for their feast. It’s time we put a stop to it.”

“You’re right. I’ve never been inclined toward violence, but this is something I need to do. I will not be afraid to fight back if the time calls for it.”

“That’s the spirit, Tim. Look what we’ve accomplished already! With the help of our comrade the Duolingo owl, we’ve learned how to speak!”

Richard thinks of that one strange green owl he saw a few years ago while hunting. He should’ve gotten rid of it while he had the chance!

Timmy the turkey continues. “We could do so much more. We’ll expand out of this forest and into the human world. We already have the necessary army; we just need to take action. We’ll brainwash them with turkey propaganda, invade their cities, and TAKE OVER THE WORLD! When Thanksgiving comes, it will be US who feast on THEM!”

Richard feels all of the blood pool to his toes, and his face turns white. He slowly begins to walk away, conscious of how every step echoes on the ground. He just needs to get away from the turkeys, and he’ll be home free.

And then Coco barks. Startled by the sound, the turkeys turn toward him.

For a second, it is as if the world freezes. There is terrifying silence as the gravity of the situation sinks in.

Richard quickly turns around, looking for his weapon. Wait, where is it? Desperately, he looks around and sees a third turkey, holding his gun in its mouth. Armed and angry, the turkey starts charging.

And then Richard runs, scooping up the traitorous dog and dashing through the woods. Behind him, the turkeys pursue. As he runs through the woods, more and more turkeys emerge, catching on to the predicament of their compatriots. These aren’t just any turkeys, either; in short glimpses in his periphery, Richard can see turkeys wearing little camouflage shirts and hats, holding knives and axes with impressively strong beaks. Richard would find it almost comedic if he were not running for his life. He is pursued by a bird army, hearing nothing but the squawks of approaching enemies. To make things worse, his menace of a dog is barking and hissing at the army, only furthering their homicidal rage. There seems to be no escape for him.

Finally, just as it feels like his lungs are going to give out from running, just as he’s about to give up, he sees his truck. Practically crying with joy, Richard pats his pockets for his car keys, but they’re not there. He sees a blur of fur and watches helplessly as Coco, that selfish rat, zooms away from him, keys in his mouth. He abandoned Richard as bait to save his own miserable life!

Richard screams out in anguish as the turkeys overwhelm him.