The Ultimate AP Test-Taker

AP season: the second most stressful time of the year, the first being looking your mother in the eye as you try to explain your mysterious 57 absences in P.E.

Every year, Stuyvesant students begin showing up to class with their Barron’s review books and bloodshot eyes, barely able to hold their sixth venti cup of coffee (Antarctic Vanilla Mocha with a shot of pumpernickel) from Starbucks with their jittery hands. The hallways are filled with nothing but the deranged whispers of memorized essay grading rubrics and test-taking tips.

The situation has become so disastrous that the very safety of our beloved school has become compromised: security guards can no longer keep up with the hordes of students desperately trying to cram on benches and endless gallons of contraband caffeine that have been smuggled into the building.

And yet, amongst this atmosphere of pure despair, one visionary stands out. A student by the name of DeDarn Collageberd has decided to enroll in an AP course, only after signing up for the exam. Most people have laughed at DeDarn for his foolish decision, but little did they know the ingenuity that he was brewing. He wasn’t planning on studying a month before, a week before, a day before, or even the morning of the test—he had the ultimate trick up his sleeve. His master plan was simple, yet mind-blowing: to study DURING the test. No one would see it coming.

While many students chugged cups of black coffee and violently flipped through their AP review books, DeDarn was as cool as a cucumber. As he confidently walked into his testing room, the proctor suspiciously eyed the briefcase DeDarn was carrying. When asked what it was, DeDarn quietly slipped him a $20 and put a finger over his mouth. What ensued afterward was simply unbelievable.

As he sat down and opened his briefcase (that was so packed with papers that we still don’t understand how he managed to close it), hundreds of study guides and torn-out packets began flying everywhere. The students in the room had gone into full test-mode, intensely filling out their test packets, and hadn’t even noticed the spectacle.

DeDarn calmly began reading through his packed papers, even highlighting key points he may need for the test. For the first five hours and 18 minutes of his AP Chemistry exam, DeDarn was completely focused on trying to figure out what an atom was. Then, with five minutes remaining, he completed 784 multiple choice questions, 15 essays and 31 short answers at a speed that left his proctor blind in the right eye and DeDarn’s right hand almost completely eroded. As he exited the test room, DeDarn knew without a doubt that he had been educated in college level chemistry.

Weeks have passed, AP exams have concluded, and the spirit of death and gloom has vanished from Stuyvesant High School (for about a day until everyone realized it was finals week). As June goes by and July is almost in sight, a sense of peace and unity has returned to the school community; it looks as if World War III won’t happen after all. And yet, far away in Flushing, Staten Island, DeDarn Collageberd logs in to unveil the score of his AP Exam. It is “Undefined.”