Things to be Grateful for this Thanksgiving

It’s that time of month again, time for the Christmas decorations to go up and Mariah Carey to re-colonize your ears. But wait! There’s one more holiday to get out of the way before that beautiful 1.5-week break! No, no, not Black Friday, or Black Friday Weekend, or Cyber Monday, or the whole month of November at this point, but rather the classic American tradition of Thanksgiving. Our eyes tear up when we think of the turkeys frolicking through the fields (and on the dinner table), the pumpkin spice, and most of all, that heartwarming moment when someone asks, “So, what are YOU grateful for this Thanksgiving?”

It can be hard to pick just one thing to say you’re grateful for. So The Spectator comes in clutch yet again with a list of suggestions for you to absolutely mog all those unprepared relatives who were too busy gooning to study for the pop quiz. You would never. You came prepared.

Ladies and gentlemen, behold ye now, The Spectator’s full list of things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. [Canned applause.]

1. Your parents survived their daily treks to school

It’s a well-established fact that every day, since they were three years old, your parents had to walk 20 miles to and from school, uphill both ways, barefoot, on broken glass, in the Arctic cold. Considering these conditions, it is borderline miraculous that they survived long enough to have you. Inspiring! Remind your family how grateful you are for the glowing example of academic dedication your parents are. If they could do that, then you can survive until senior year.

2. The Hanseatic League didn’t win the Thirty Years’ War

See, this might seem like you’re dodging the question by saying something so niche that no one can question you, but actually, you’re just that locked in for your history class (AP European History, anyone?). Just think—if the Thirty Years’ War had gone the other way, why, we would be living in an entirely different universe. Consider the fascinating and relevant historical characters Melchior Graf von Gleichen und Hatzfeldt, Count Jindřich Matyáš of Thurn-Valsassina, and Henri de La Tour d’Auvergne, vicomte de Turenne. It’s almost impossible to imagine them with their roles reversed. Would we get Christopher Columbus in this parallel world? Would we get The Rizzler? So many questions, which is why you’re grateful for this lucky stroke of history. Your homework already has more than enough questions.

3. Subway delays

Think about the last time you waited 20 minutes for your train. Or when the conductor told everyone to move to the local train, just to watch the express zoom away (What are you talking about? That’s never happened to us!!). It’s all part of the MTA’s grand plan: they know New Yorkers are always rushing and stressed, so they graciously took it upon themselves to make us take life a little slower and provide anger management training. It’s therapy for the low, low cost of your precious time and $2.90 (be grateful that they would never consider charging three—wait, what?). We are definitely NOT writing this while currently on a train that hasn’t moved for the past five minutes, trying to compensate.

4. You have no free periods

Though it may sound like a disaster at first, it’s secretly a blessing in disguise. You don’t have to fight a daily war against hundreds of students to get a computer in the library, you get five-minute cram sessions between classes for tests, and you have more classes to maximize your chances of sitting next to your friends! Of course, you might not sleep until 3:00 a.m., but… who really needs sleep when you have energy drinks? Just another thing to be thankful for!

5. You have too many free periods 

Sure, you could storm into the programming office and demand to get two more APs and an elective while they’re at it, or you could sit in the cafeteria enjoying your three-period-long lunch in leisure while laughing at the students scrambling to finish their Cornell notes on 20 pages of reading that you finished two periods ago. Fine, maybe you won’t get into college, but life is about finding happiness… right? 

6. Donald J. Trump

The amount of free entertainment this man has provided for the nation is absurd. Don’t pay for Peacock. Don’t pay for Netflix. Just check the news, and you get an insane lore update for 0.00 USD. Which world leader will call him Daddy next? Enemies to friends arc with Mamdani confirmed? His takes on natural disasters are always impeccable; how else would you know that Hurricane Florence was “one of the wettest we’ve ever seen, from the standpoint of water”? When the President moved from the private sector to the public sector of reality TV, that was a charitable donation. At this point, he’s donated hundreds of hours of free comedy to the poor. And you’re grateful for this exactly because you are poor.

7. That one guy who you have a crush on, but still hasn’t asked you out

Dating is so overrated! Having someone look at you with genuine love and appreciation sounds so incredibly cringe, doesn’t it? Isn't it just so physically exhausting to hold someone’s hand? (Seriously asking, we're not speaking from experience here.) Really, the huzz is doing you a favor by keeping you from the mild inconvenience of romance. Who needs to be in a loving relationship when you can just stare at the back of his head—I mean, at the board, from the back of the class!

8. Caffeine

In the big 2025, it’s clear that 99.9 percent of Stuyvesant students run solely on caffeine. It’s the world’s favorite drug, and it’s our favorite drug too. Be grateful, then, that caffeine isn’t societally viewed as the addictive recreational substance that it is! Be grateful that you can excusably quadruple your intake to four matchas in a day and call it performativemaxxing! The world is your oyster. We mean, the world is your pumpkin spice latte/cappuccino/macchiato/bread. There are so many things you can think of since caffeine is such a big part of your life.

9. Us (The Spectator’s Humor Department)

How could you possibly get through your day, nay your life, without the incredible writing and comedic skill of The Spectator’s Humor Department? We know that the only reason you picked up The Spectator is to enjoy our jocular talent. We graciously accept all praise and request all gifts to come in food form. That, or emotionally worded love letters. We all need to feel wanted every once in a while, babygirl <3.

So, when you’re sitting around the dinner table, and the question inevitably comes around to you, don’t pull another lame family, friends, this food, blah blah blah. Instead, feel free to whip out this list and select any of the items we’ve carefully curated just for you. Best of luck and have a happy Thanksgiving!