Time For Some ACADEMIC DISHONESTY

At about 11:23 p.m., or 23:23 in military time, Spec Humor writer Chrisabella Javier had absolutely no ideas for the article that she for some godforsaken reason had signed up for. Being a model Stuyvesant student, she knew exactly what she had to do in order to meet her deadline and not get instantly murdered by her editors.

That’s right—academic dishonesty.

So, she decided to go to her 419 tabs and open yet another one to the stuyspec.com website to find a Quality™ Humor article from times gone by in order to copy off of it. She ran into a problem almost immediately: she did not see any good Humor articles to copy off of.

“This sucks [expletive],” she said under her breath. The only thing she had from a whole 10 minutes of scrolling through The Spectator website for a good Humor article to copy off of was cringe from her previous articles.

“Wait,” she thought, “What if I copy off of another department? The editors will think I’m creative, and I won’t have to look at more of these awful articles from freshman year.” She decided to click on the tab for A&E for something to plagiarize. They are the funniest department, after all. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find any quality content. She also realized how niche her music taste was after looking through the playlists and realizing she didn’t know any of these musicians. Growing more and more desperate, she began looking through Sports, Opinions, and Features, but to no avail.

Finally, she turned to News. As she looked through the articles, she felt like God was in her messy bedroom. Every article she saw was comedic gold. “Student Union Does Something Productive.” “Yet Another Cheating Scandal.” “School Still Falling Apart.” All she had to do now was copy and paste paragraphs, with some alterations to make them better.

“It’s a common but understandable sentiment that the SU [Student Union] doesn’t do anything. Hopefully, this budget report will show…we…corrupt.” (Volume CIX No. 10)

“When students are caught committing academic dishonesty, they…get…credit for the assignment.” (Volume CIX, No. 11)

“Contreras…kept…regret his decision…sees…de…a…th.” (Volume CIX No. 2)

“Freshmen…panic!…crippling depression…forever alone.” (Volume CVIII No. 12)

“Great!” Javier said as she slammed down her laptop. It was a passable article. It wasn’t funny, but no Humor article was.

When she got her first notification from her editor, she panicked. What if her editors suddenly became paragons of virtue instead of the incompetent ones she knew??

But relief set in when she saw that there was one comment, unrelated to the blatant plagiarism.

“Chrisabella, use the [expletive] tab key. Also, learn to spell.”