Top 10 Things NOT to Do as a Freshman

Welcome, Class of 2025! I can’t believe there is already another class of awkward freshmen who have a sense of direction even worse than that of a headless NYC pigeon. As someone who used to be a freshman, I know a little bit about what you all are going through. I was once also the kid who thought wearing a gym uniform would look cool. Lesson learned. However, don’t worry about repeating the same mistakes I did because here is a list of the top 10 things NOT to do as a freshman.

1. On your first day of school, don’t make eye contact with any of the upperclassmen. You are not on their level. Trust me. Instead, show respect to them by bowing down to them before engaging in any sort of conversation. Also, don’t call them senpai, onii-chan, or onee-san. Seriously, they aren’t into that kind of stuff. Or do—they might be into that.

2. Don’t fall asleep on the half-floor. You’ll become infamous for being the person who fell asleep on the half-floor. In fact, just don’t go on the half-floor. Freshmen have a distinct smell to them that can be really intoxicating to others. Disclaimer: I don’t even know where or what the half-floor is. I assume it was once a floor that developed dual personalities and had to be halved with a chainsaw because the two couldn’t share the spotlight anymore.

3. If you have Swim Gym, I shouldn’t even have to mention speedos. I beg of you, no one needs to see that much of you. If you are looking for an alternative, consider a Thanos one-piece swimsuit.

4. No one should catch you doing the devil’s tango with anyone between the staircases. It’s a staircase, not the McDonald’s bathroom. Do all your dirty deeds at home. Anywhere but in school.

5. Don’t be suspicious. No one likes an imposter. Okay, that’s the Among Us reference out of the way. You thought you could escape old meme references. Well, you cannot!

6. Refrain from using the escalators. They’re known to break down and the school can’t deal with another set of toes lost. But then again, the escalators barely ever operate, so it’s not even a real issue.

7. Don’t brag about your grades or what classes you’re taking. We get it, your life is starting to suck and the only way you cope is by overwhelming yourself with advanced classes in hopes of convincing yourself you can handle all the academic rigor, but in reality, you’re burning out. In short, bragging about school doesn’t help. It just makes you seem like a dork.

8. Don’t join dumb clubs that make you do even dumber things. If I knew people in The Spectator had to spew out content once every two weeks and perform department (cult) rituals, I wouldn’t have joined in a million years. Just join the track team. It’s important to get good at running so you can outrun Mr. Moran, who is just itching to snatch that new iPhone 12 Pro Max you got there.

9. If you don’t know where your class is and you’re lost, please don’t have a breakdown in the middle of a hallway. No one wants to look at you sobbing your eyes out. Just suck it up. You’re not the only one lost. Literally three-fourths of the school has no clue where they are going: all of us just hope that where we end up doesn’t involve dressing up as a furry.

10. Finally, don’t go to Stuyvesant. Seriously, what were you thinking? You could have had a normal life with a good sleep schedule and social life. Why trade all that for endless misery? Nah. I’m kidding. Come to Stuy. The upperclassmen are friendly… sometimes.

Hopefully, this Not-To-Do list prevents you from being an embarrassing freshman, but instead one with swag. Remember not to do any of the things mentioned, and I pray some of you survive and make it to your sophomore year. Good luck, Class of 2025. You’re going to need it…