Trick or Test?: A Stuyvesant Halloween

In honor of Halloween, Stuyvesant recently hosted its first trick or treating event. The event involved each department giving out treats (and some tricks) to students and was overall met with mixed reviews.

Beginning with the administration, students were surprised by the generosity of Mr. Moran. One student told us, “I was initially really scared to knock on Moran’s door but my friend basically pushed me into it so I technically had no choice. After he opened his door, he asked us menacingly, ‘Trick or Treat?’, to which we responded hesitantly with ‘...treat.’ He grabbed two items from his vault and placed them into our baskets. My friend and I looked into our baskets, only to find our formerly confiscated phones.” 

Other students received their headphones and watches from Mr. Moran and students were overall satisfied with the return of their precious devices. “This is better than any candy! I can finally go back to being a Discord mod!” a freshman joyfully exclaimed. 

In contrast, students were quite disappointed in the Mathematics department. Desperate trick or treaters had to first discover a new math theorem, which, after seven hours, only a quarter of math team students were able to do. After that, they had to roll a seven on a six-sided die in order to receive a piece of candy. Of course, no one could successfully roll a seven and therefore, no one received a single piece of candy. 

In reality, this was all just a cover up to hide the fact that beside one single candy corn, the math department had no candy at all. They claim that the absence of candy was due to budgeting shortages, but out of all the departments, they should be calculating better.

Moving on, the Physical Education department had a rather fun surprise for students. Each gym locker room was converted into a haunted house. The department dimmed the lights even further and somehow turned up the smell of body odor, AXE Body Spray, and fish. Every time a student turned a corner in the locker rooms, they were greeted by a jumpscare from Mr. Moran. Additionally, students were forced to do exactly 300 push ups and 200 pacer test laps (true horror).

The department also had students place bets on which sports team would finish the challenges the fastest. Despite many doubts, the bowling team surprisingly got through the haunted locker rooms the quickest, causing many students to quickly lose money. 

Furthermore, depending on their speed in the locker rooms, students received various treats. Those who finished in less than 30 seconds received a pack of king sized chocolate bars. However, those who took over two minutes got a protein shake, granola bar, and a piece of paper that just contained a singular L. Many report that the paper did not taste well.

On a brighter and odor free note, the Social Studies department hosted a costume contest, with the winners receiving the Math department’s stash of candy. The contestants were judged based on their accuracy to history. Therefore, any inflatable dinosaurs and Marvel characters were immediately disqualified. One dinosaur was especially offended by this decision as they protested, “The T-Rex is an historical figure! Have they not seen the famous documentary Jurassic Park?” 

Worst of all, however, were the science departments. They thought it would be in the Halloween spirit to have live dissections and explosions. Every time a student would knock on the door for candy, chemistry teachers would set off an explosion in return. The screams of students echoed throughout the ninth floor, with many students scrambling to escape. Those who braved the explosions were rewarded with a hefty pound of candy as their prize. 

However, many students were confused when they received candy branded with “Stuyvesant Chemistry department” instead of Hershey’s. Some students tried the miscellaneous candy only to realize that a teacher had added salt instead of sugar. Yum.

That does not remotely compare to the horrors of the Biology department, though. The Biology department brought foul smelling intestines and dead animals in bulk from Costco. 

Though the intestines were initially meant to be dissected, the department offered every single student their own mystery intestine due to the excess supply. They also decided to tell the gullible freshmen that it was just candy. In a rave review, a freshman said, “I’ve never had this candy before!” He paused to glance at it and then took a bite. “Um, it’s not really sweet. It sort of tastes bloody, I guess. Wait, is that blood? Why is there blood?” he asked while still chewing. He’ll be fine, don’t worry.

The now blood-covered freshman, haunted locker rooms, and homemade candy have just demonstrated a glance into the tricks and treats of Stuy’s Halloween. Maybe next year students will actually fulfill their sugar addiction. The Spectator wishes you a happy Halloween! Please don’t eat any intestines.