Trick-or-Treat Champion

It’s that time of year again. Snowflakes are falling, sleigh bells are ringing, and—wait, that’s the wrong holiday, you imbecile.

It’s Halloween! How exciting! Unfortunately, you’ve spent the last five Halloweens watching Scooby-Doo in your bedroom, so you’re looking to shake things up this year. While nothing could ever top Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, there is one time-honored tradition that would surely satisfy your lust for adventure: trick-or-treating!

Now, you may ask, “Isn’t trick-or-treating for little kids?” The answer is yes. But this is exactly why you need to be better than those kids in every way, shape, and form, and that means getting more candy than all of them combined. Luckily for you, I’ve developed a foolproof guide on how to obtain so much candy that you’ll be the talk of the town. 

Dress for the occasion

No one wants to give candy to someone with a lame costume. Princesses? Been there, done that. Superheroes? Uninspired. No, Halloween isn’t about being cute. It’s about being scary. So show your spirit by donning the most horrifying, goriest, serial-killer-esque costume known to man. Buy the entire stock of fake blood at Spirit Halloween. Find a horribly deformed clown mask and never take it off. If you’re really committed, pull a Freddy Krueger and glue knives to your fingers. The goal is to make your costume so scary that the people around you no longer feel safe, causing them to throw all their candy at you so you leave them alone. Plus, nobody will want to be within a 20-foot radius of you, so you’ll get the entire street to yourself while trick-or-treating. Score!

Plan your route

Map out the richest houses in your neighborhood; you know, the ones with fancy staircases and koi fish ponds and multiple driveways. They shouldn’t be too hard to spot; they tend to go all out with decorations to one-up their equally rich neighbors. I’m talking animatronics, cobwebs on the roof, zombies coming out of the lawn, and maybe even paid actors if they’re really pretentious.

Anyway, these are the houses that will have the best candy. Now, you could simply knock on their doors, say “trick or treat,” take one piece of candy, and be on your merry way—but that’s so much work (not to mention unoriginal). Instead, take a detour around the back of the house, hop through the window, and take as much candy as you please. Sure, this may seem “illegal” and “unethical,” but Robin Hood stole from the rich, and he’s still revered by many.

Go foraging

Alright, maybe going outdoors and interacting with other humans isn’t exactly your strong suit. That’s okay! If your goal is simply to obtain as much candy as possible, I suggest gathering some friends and raiding your local Walgreens for leftover Halloween treats once they go on sale. But what if you have no money? No problem! Just dress up as a bank robber—if any store clerk has the audacity to ask why you’re stealing three bags of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, simply tell them you’re method acting. It works every time!

Hopefully, this guide will help you in your spooky endeavors. Maybe this Halloween, you’ll finally get more candy than Little Timmy across the street who dresses up as Spiderman every year. If not, your good friend Scooby-Doo will always be there for you.