Trump Has Gone Mad

After getting absolutely smashed at the White House, President Donald Trump decided to do something even weirder than usual on November 5, 2018.

Seven vodka shots in, he decided that he was good to give his scheduled speech about the future prospects of the U.S., which lasted a surprising 84 seconds. The speech went like this: “Greetings, ladies and gentlemen of the U.S. Tonight, I’m going to be talking about my future visions for this sacred country to make it a better place. My first goal is to change the White House into the Orange House by literally painting the whole building orange. That way, the house will match my beautiful hair and complexion, making me a more confident president. Secondly, I want a national holiday called ‘Compensate The President For All His Hard Work Day,’ where every single person’s wage from that day goes directly into my bank account. Lastly, I want a national ‘Trump Admiration Day’ where there is no school, and kids are forced to make huge posters for me and write lots of fan mail. Students who don’t do this would be subject to the death penalty. That’s all for tonight, Happy Election Day!”

After the speech, Trump had another bottle of wine. Completely drunk, he went campaigning to try to get the people’s vote for the supposed 2018-2022 term. At 4:00 a.m., Trump called each and every one of his cabinet members to inform them of an urgent meeting in his office in 30 minutes. After leaving countless voicemails, 30 minutes later, only one person showed up: a confused Vice President Mike Pence.

Trump, who had been pacing back and forth in the Oval Office, took a seat, glared at Pence, and frustratingly declared that it was Election Day and that he forgot to campaign for the new term. Pence, still looking perplexed, instantly burst out in laughter, thinking that the whole situation was some elaborate prank. Trump, however, angrily paced towards Pence, placed his face in front of Pence’s and yelled, “You’re fired!” before calling security to escort an extraordinarily bewildered Pence out of the building.

After firing Pence, Trump called up all his cabinet members again and, annoyed that none of them had shown up, left more voicemails, this time yelling “You’re fired!” at each cabinet member. After finishing up his voicemails and breakfast burrito, Trump boarded his Air Force One in an attempt to campaign once again.

(Of course, everyone knows that among his many sins, drinking is not one of them. So all of this could have truly happened, without him being drunk at all.)