Turkeys Take Over

Turkeys have taken over Stuyvesant. 

 A confused freshman believed it was April Fools’s Day on November 1 and decided to release 10 turkeys into the school. Since then, the turkeys have multiplied and quickly risen to power, claiming leadership positions both in the school administration and large clubs.

Several students have expressed their displeasure with the turkeys. “I can’t stand all of the gobbling anymore,” one junior wailed through tears. “It keeps me awake at night. I haven’t slept at all since last week. Last weekend, when I had my SAT, my proctor was a turkey. I couldn’t think through all of the gobbling!” Suddenly, a turkey started approaching us and the petrified junior fled the scene.

One senior who has been on both sides of the debate commented, “At first, I liked the turkeys. I didn’t have to show up to half of my classes because my teachers were replaced by turkeys, and they were more preoccupied with chasing after students than actually checking who was present. Yesterday, however, I had a college interview on Zoom that I did on the ninth floor. For some reason, a flock of turkeys crowded around me as soon as the interview started! They were gobbling so loudly that I couldn’t hear anything the interviewer was saying, so I just guessed and answered random questions. If I don’t get into Harvard, I will hunt down every single one of those turkeys and have a Thanksgiving feast.”

The turkey that seems to be in charge of all of these antics is Preencipal Gobble. He has violently overthrown Principal Yu as Stuyvesant’s first-ever Preencipal and has created several new and controversial policies. His most disputed policy is that the only meat allowed to be served in the cafeteria is the meat of the turkeys that disobey him. Many students were horrified when they learned that the new chicken nuggets they were eating were not in fact chicken, but their former teachers and club leaders. However, even more concerning, some students seemed to enjoy this policy and relished the power they felt when consuming the nuggets.

“How are people still eating the nuggets?” a horrified sophomore asked. “I knew some of those turkeys. Sure, they were driving me insane, but I don’t want to eat them! I find plenty of students annoying! That doesn’t mean I want to eat their nuggets!”

Preencipal Gobble has also mandated that all AP Biology classes must take care of the eggs laid by the turkeys until they hatch. Many students were outraged to discover that instead of torturing pill bugs in experiments, they would have to incubate eggs and guard them from protein-hungry athletes. 

“They’re already eyeing the eggs like they’re a post-workout snack,” one AP Bio student said nervously. “If they get to the eggs, I’m failing this class, and if I need to go to summer school with these turkeys, I’ll transfer to Bronx Science and never come back.”

Worst of all, the turkeys have taken over The Spectator. Currently, almost all of the editors have been replaced by turkeys who are determined to make it an entirely turkey-led organization, and many of the articles being published contain pro-turkey propaganda that encourages readers to cede all power to the turkeys. The New York Post has written an article about the turkeys taking over The Spectator, saying that the articles written by the turkeys are scandalous, and that Stuyvesant is shameful for allowing these articles to be published. 

Though some students are adjusting to their turkey-dominated lives, many are preparing to revolt against the turkey tyranny. Students have created hundreds of plans ranging from hiring someone to take the turkeys and release them in Brooklyn Tech to killing them all, donating their meat, and selling turkey feather pillows to raise money for the school. Whatever happens, make sure you stay on the turkeys’ good side—and freshmen, get out while you still can.