US Congress, Where The Only Thing Being Passed Is The Zombie Virus

A zombie apocalypse is being kept in the dark. Those affected are our top government officials; their minds are devoured by an insidious plague of undeath. This development, while deeply alarming, explains the abysmal amounts of policy-making and apparent total lack of brain function that plague our representatives and leave our nation teetering on the brink of collapse.

The first sign of the outbreak came during a press conference last week, when Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) proposed her new “Green New Deal for the Undead,” which would put in place policies for sustainable brain farms as well as eco-friendly coffins.

“We need to address the concerns of our zombified colleagues. Climate change is as much of a problem to the undead as it is to the living,” Ocasio-Cortez asserted, chewing on what eyewitnesses reported to be one of her volunteer’s ears.

On the other side of the aisle, on Sunday, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) spent 18 hours on the Senate floor filibustering a voting rights bill. Most of his time was spent grunting and shrieking, though he took a break halfway through to read Horton Hears a Boo by Dr. Seuss, a book he proclaimed was “dangerously stereotyping the recently deceased.” 

Cruz’s PR team later put out a post on X praising Cruz for his “unwavering commitment to the preservation of our democracy.” Some of Cruz’s colleagues were worried by this behavior, but many weren’t concerned. A senior staff member, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of being eaten, said that he “hadn’t noticed a big difference” and “wasn’t sure Ted had a brain to begin with.” 

Congressional leadership hasn’t been spared either. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) appeared only slightly grayer than usual during an interview with Fox News. When asked about his plans for new legislation, McConnell groaned something along the lines of “Must…stop…progress.” 

While his remarks seemed concerning, many members of McConnell’s staff told us after the interview that they were “just happy Mitch was able to talk this time.” Whether McConnell’s actions were a result of zombification or just old age has not yet been confirmed.

In an attempt to get a local perspective, we reached out to Stuyvesant’s own representative, Daniel Goldman (D-NY), to hear a local perspective on the pressing issue. He refused to comment and sent a memo scrawled in blood that simply read “busy.”

Political analysts are still unsure of how the apocalypse will impact the democratic processes of the House. Dr. Mort Ician, a professor of Political Science at Harvard University, suggests that there will be no noticeable impact in Congress.

“There might be small upticks in mindless voting along partisan lines, or more inaction around issues affecting the living people, but is that really a change from how things have been going?” he said.

The pressing question on everyone’s mind is how this apocalypse is going to affect the outcome of the 2024 election. Political slogans along the lines of “Make America Groan Again” are reportedly being tested in focus groups in key swing states. Former President Donald Trump has also come forward, asking his followers to reconsider the consumption of cats, dogs, and human brains. “They’re just so tasty, and trust me, nobody knows tasty like I do. You know my doctors tell me that I have the strongest taste buds they’ve ever seen.”

While the extent to which this zombie apocalypse will impact our lives or the election remains unclear, one thing we do know is that the nation has a problem to grapple with. If the patterns in our politics continue, we will fall into decline. Without infrastructure, our cities and towns will collapse and people will die. Yet as we face this unprecedented crisis, we are forced to wonder: in a country already filled with mindless partisanship, mindless policies, and half-dead politicians, is anyone going to notice the difference?