Valentine’s Day Isn’t Over Yet!

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Piles of apples not your thing? Didn’t find the PowerBall jackpot of a pristine bag of butter chip cookies? Time for plan B!

To find the best Valentine’s Day items, you’re going to want to go to the toxic cleaning supplies aisle, which is commonly littered with bags of candy, patriotically colored orange, white, and blue!

Valentine’s Day just passed, and you’re sad. Either get over it, or get used to it; it happens. However, if, in your moping, you decide to supply your brain with extra dopamine, look no further than the clearance aisle of practically any store. Take yourself out on a nice date and get some heart-shaped chocolate boxes for practically half the price! Supply and demand is a beautiful thing.

Four days ago, you were probably wallowing in sadness and saltiness as you observed the endless relationships around you form and flourish. Watching various lovebirds get each other flowers and teddy bears really stung when not even your mom expressed her love for you in the form of a warm-toned rose. Homeroom was likely the worst offender—the emptiness in your heart mirrored by the emptiness on your desk—for you received no roses! Regardless, today is your day, dear reader! Today is the day you will decide to treat yourself the way you wish a partner would; you shall manifest your dreams! Get yourself the chocolate first and others shall follow. Let the looting begin!

Your best bet for finding quality foodstuffs is in the Peoples’ Pantry, located in the Stuyvesant cafeteria. It will be quite difficult to explain what you’re doing to the security guards, but you are practically guaranteed to find something of significant value, including, but not limited to, a murky carton of milk, a terribly bruised orange, or a priceless tooth someone lost biting into an apple! Once you manage to explain your way into the building, try to ignore the security guard staring at you as you walk up the inevitably broken two-to-four escalator. It may seem like an impossible task to break through the endlessly guarded cafeteria doors, but good news—you don’t need to! Simply take the indubitably crowded (my apologies in advance) Hudson staircase up to the fifth floor, and you’ll emerge amidst the overwhelming screams of the youth. Oh dang, they were just eating lunch in the cafeteria—my bad. Just be careful not to slip on the oranges that people intentionally drop on the floor.

Piles of apples not your thing? Didn’t find the PowerBall jackpot of a pristine bag of butter chip cookies? Time for plan B! After getting another stare-down from the security guards on your way out, head to your nearest Target store. You know, the one you always walk out of empty-handed because this is Tribeca, and a bar of soap costs more than a mortgage in Texas. When you enter, you will see large displays of heart-shaped chocolate boxes left over from Valentine's Day, which have somehow endured the trauma of little kids trampling them and trying to pry open the lids. If you look closely (not recommended), you can see feral-looking bite marks around a few of the boxes. How abominable.

These are not the chocolates you’re looking for. Contrary to popular belief, you should not take the first thing that catches your eye, especially if it has bite marks around it. While the bargain of 99 percent off may be very tempting, you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment if you buy the boring and traditional Valentine’s Day boxes.

Now, to find the best Valentine’s Day items, you’re going to want to go to the cleaning supplies aisle, which is commonly littered with bags of candy, patriotically colored orange, white, and blue! These items are the real deal, and just your luck—they’re 110 percent off! Perfect for a thrifty Stuy student!

If you’re still feeling a tad angry about receiving no roses and feel like beating up some Stuyvesant couples, don't worry! The Humor Department has devised a brilliant tactic that will satisfy your craving for revenge and get you some bonus goodies, all in one fell swoop! Head back to Stuyvesant, and boldly interrupt that couple sitting on the bench right in front of the scanners. Their matching “Stuyvesant Football” hoodies may be intimidating, but seriously, is the football team actually that strong?

After getting your free ride to Ferry’s via a 200-yard-long pass, look inside and make sure there are at least three couples in the deli. Found them? Good. These will be your targets! From here, it’s very simple: just walk in, snap, and all of them will go bye-bye. Now you can put all the food that they were holding into your inventory, and boom! You’ve taken out your anger AND gotten free food for it! What’s not to love? Oh, there’s a police car outside the deli? Pfft, come on, what’s the worst thing they could do?

If you’re still insistent on partaking in the consumer-perpetuated trends of Valentine’s Day chocolate, why don’t you skedaddle over to Target or something and go live your life? I know you don't have anything to do during lunch besides cry in the Junior atrium. Oh, you’re waiting for your crush to save you? Wake up, sheeple! The end is now, and it has a praline center. Be gone, before the chocolate beats you to it.